


Gundam Tanaka Finally Puts on a Pair of Underwear

by Calicornia



Category: Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Coochie Dungeon, M/M, Mashed Potatoes, Slow Burn, Thin Mints, Toe milk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-20
Updated: 2019-07-30
Packaged: 2019-11-26 10:01:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 31
Words: 25,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18179174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Calicornia/pseuds/Calicornia
Summary: Souda helps Gundam find some undies, but only on one condition.





	1. The Undies and the Beast

"You've heard it here first folks, Gundam Tanaka: Ultimate Breeder wears no undies." The newspaper read, "At the dog show last week, a rotweilieiei... a rotwhyler.. You know what I'm going to pretend it was a breed of dog with a more memorable name. A shiba inu bit Gundam's pant leg and tore off his pantalones, revealing his little Gundams."

"This shit is fuckin' stupid!" Souda shouted, "Why can't they report on shit that actually fucking matters!?"

"Could you keep your fuckin' voice down!?" Fuyuhiko responded, "I'm trying to call to see if Pekoyama won her competition or not!"

Everyone at the public park was staring at the two. Not only because they were shouting, but because they were sitting halfway out of the men's bathroom blocking entry.

"Ugh... Whatever man..." Souda flushed with embarassment, "I didn't even want to hang out with you in the first place." The sweaty mechanic absconded, leaving Fuyuhiko alone to talk to what he assumed is his girlfriend. Ugh, everyone seems to want to be with someone else.  Never me. The thoughts of Kazuichi Souda festered. 

"How could this be... I... Gundam Tanaka.... Thwarted by a scroll written by a low level sorcerer...?" A voice rang from the trees.

"Oh ew." Souda gagged, "It's him."

"Oh ew." Gundam's demeanor darkened, "A VIRGIN!" The shout echoed through the park, grabbing the attention of everyone there.

"HEY!!! KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN!!!" Souda repeatedly kicked the tree that held Gundam in the air, causing it to shake violently.

*THUD*

Gundam Tanaka fell face first into the ground, his pants slipping slightly off and revealing his bare ass to Souda.

"Oh jesus christ!" Souda shouted, "If you were a girl, you'd have a nice ass! But it's confusing seeing that shit on a man!"

"Gundam Tanaka has a nice ass regardless of gender!" The animal breeder stood up and yanked his pants back up to level. "Anyways, virgin, I've come to seek your help."

"Find someone else to help you, you fuckin' weirdo!"

"My crotch barrier seems to be invisible to mortals,  and a high level virgin is the only one who would be able to concieve an adequate crotch barrier to protect the glorious nuts of Gundam Ta-"

Souda had started to walk away.

"If you help me, I will assist your endeavours in finding a proper mate to breed with."

"I'm sorry, what was that?" Souda turned around almost a bit too enthusiastically. His smile poked through his clear discomfort with Gundam's strange behavior.

Gundam smirked, his plan was now in effect.

The two sat under the tree.

"What do you MEAN you do not craft your own crotch barrier, virgin!?" Gundam shouted, his eye twitching.

"Well, I do know how to sew..." Souda backed away from the larper, "But cloth is real hard to work with man. That shits all floppy and stretchy, metal is hard and sturdy. It's why I prefer it."

"I see..." Gundam scratched his chin, "So... What goods seller do you attend to recieve your barrier..?"

"I uh.." Souda pulled on his beanie, "I don't want to tell you that."

"TELL ME NOW OR FACE TOTAL AND COMPLETE VIRGINITY FOR ALL OF ETERNITY!"

"FINE FINE! Just don't tell Miss Sonia..." Tears came out of Souda's eyes, "I only buy underwear from Markiplier, cuz... I'm allergic to most fabrics... It's... It's why I wear this jumpsuit everywhere."

Gundam suddenly felt a pang of guilt for making fun of his enemy's fashion sense.

"Well, let us go on a journey to find the wizard known as Markiplier."


	2. The Searchy-shoo for Markimoo

"Hmph... It appears that this Markiplier has an electronic barrier as well." Gundam stood above Souda, who was searching through Youtube for Markiplier videos.

"It's not a barrier, you idiot." Souda scrolled through Markiplier's channel on his laptop, "It's called Youtube and it's a-"

"SILENCE VIRGIN!"

"Ugh, you're so fuc- Wait what's this?" Souda clicked on Markiplier's most recent video.

"Heeeeelllo everybody, it's Markiplier. It's been a nice seven years on Youtube, but it's time for me to go. I will be taking around a year to go train in the mountains to prepare for my awakening."

Both men squinted at the screen.

"And my clothing brand will shut down in a week."

"Wait wait wait- Fuck goddammit!" Souda immediately checked the upload date. "This was uploaded two weeks ago!"

"HOW OBSCENE!" Gundam grabbed the laptop, "What low ranking wizard would DARE not keep up a barrier when he's training?"

"For the last time, it's not a barrier." Souda closed out of Youtube, revealing his screensaver to be a naked playboy bunny before shutting his laptop. "Christ."

"Wait a minute..." Gundam opened up the laptop again, "Let's search for more information on the whereabouts of this 'Markiplier'."

Gundam grabbed the laptop and started typing into Google.

"H-hey give it back!" Souda screamed, knocking the laptop down. However, it was too late. Gundam saw the Google Auto-complete:

"Free bondage videos

Princess Anal Threesome Femdom

Hypercock

Am I gay

Gundam Tanaka Fanclub

Gundam Tanaka butthole reveal"

The pair stared at the screen.

"By the Dark Devas of Destructuion..." Gundam looked away from Souda in shame, "I cannot BELIEVE a worthless mortal like you would attempt to destroy my reputation with a digital recreation of my waste chute."

"Y-yeah let's go with that!" Souda coughed, the blush rushing to his face.

Gundam looked out the window, matters just got more serious.

"Would you boys like any cookies?" Souda's mother poked her head in through the door. "They're thin mints!"

"Holy shit, thin mints!" Souda pushed his laptop under the bed, there was no way his mom could handle what Gundam just witnessed.

With hands full of cookies, the pair plotted:

"Now... I'm assuming the mountains Markiplier would be training in are ones similar to those explored by The Ogre..." Gundam took a bite out of the thin mints.

"The who now?" Souda looked perplexed and grabbed a cookie, "By the way, if you eat more of these cookies than I do, I'm gonna be pretty angry ya know!"

"The Ogre..." Gundam said with his mouth half full of cookie crumbs, "The strongest mortal to ever grace the planet of Earth, the one mortal to ever enter Hell and return unchanged."

"Mr. Boombastic?" Souda asked.

"Very fantastic." Gundham nodded, "The place I am talking about is none other than the tallest landmass of this mortal planet."

"Mt. Everest?" Souda asked, "I dunno if I wanna climb Mt. Everest just to grab you some nice underwear."

"Foolish mortal, any being with more than a single brian cell would know that I am referring to the Dick Cheese Mountains."


	3. The Dick Cheese Mountains

"Gundam... Are you ABSOLUTELY SURE that we need to get you Markiplier brand underwear?"

"I am as sure as you are a mortal of the virgin variety."

"Well... Sorry to say but I don't think your wish is gonna come true!"

The pair of rejects stood before the Dick Cheese Mountains, a massive stone gate blocked their way. Rising up to 6 feet tall, the shubbery that lined the Dick Cheese Mountains was obscured.

"That is just absolutely unacceptable, Mechanical Gremlin of Virginity." Gundam proclaimed, "We may be inside of short bodily vessels, but that does not mean that we cannot bypass what is larger than the sum of our parts!"

"H-hey what are you doing!?" Souda shouted as Gundam crawled ontop of Souda's back, "OW!"

"It appears that if we stack ourselves ontop of eachother, one of us will bypass this barrier and simply lift the other into the Dick Cheese Mountains!" Gundam grabbed the top of the gate and attempted to lift himself over the stone. However, as he did, a hand slapped his.

"Ouch! Who DARES lay a finger on the Supreme Overlord of Ice!?"

"Top of the morning to ya!" A voice echoed. "If ya want to cross the stone wall, you'll have to compliment your homie's balls!"

"Show yourself!" Gundam fumed.

"Remember, it's only gay if you sneeze while doing it!"

The voice disappeared, and all that remained was two virgins, some hamsters, and the Dick Cheese Mountains.

"No way... It's gay even if you don't sneeze." Souda rolled his eyes, "Let's just go to Walmart to grab you some undies or something."

"Hmph... You have very adequate breeding orbs, Mechanical Gremlin of Virginity." Gundam leered at the stone gate. It opened.

"You may now enter." Jacksepticeye stood at the gate, his smile welcoming Gundam. "Several trials await you ahead, but I trust ya to pass 'em."

"The Bearer of the Infected Eye..." Gundam smirked as he dismounted Souda and walked through, "I should've know that you would be the one to guard such a sacred landmark."

Souda attempted to follow, but was stopped by Jacksepticeye's extended arm.

"Oi mate!" Jacksepticeye waggled his finger, "Compliment his balls, man!"

Souda flushed pure pink.

"Souda, you unbreakable virgin just do it." Gundam glared.

"You have really nice ba- NO!" Souda shouted, "It's gay even if you don't sneeze!"

"I guess I will be the only one of us to experience the pleasure of mating with mortal vaginas."

"F-fine!" Souda pulled his beanie over his eyes, "You have... You have nice balls-ACHOO!"

Souda had sneezed, it was now gay to compliment Gundam's balls.

"Oi mate. It may be gay but you can still pass!" Jacksepticeye smiled as Souda passed with a face pinker than blood.

"I do, by the way. My breeding orbs are more adeqaute and powerful than the ones attached to you." Gundam powerfully laughed.

Gundam and Souda had finally made it to the Dick Cheese Mountains.


	4. The Mashed Potato Orgy

Miles of seemingly untouched rock stood before the one who specialized in nature and the one who tended to machines. With a waterfall and subsequently a river diving two of the Dick Cheese Mountains, the latter felt overwhelmed by the expanse of land that awaited the pair.

"So..." Souda squinted at the peak, "I'm assuming that the best training would be at the top right? Action comics and movies always have badasses bulking themselves up at the top of mountains."

"Hmph! You claim to be a student of the Wizard Known as Markiplier but you lack the proper research of his techniques!" Gundam observed the area, thinking about where he would train himself. "We may be contained here for weeks at a time searching, as our lack of proper information is putting a damper on my tracking skills."

"Yeah, whatever you say." Souda merely rolled his eyes, he didn't have time for this.

And so the two climbed up the mountain closest to them. The steep slope proved to be a bit of a challenge, the slant increasing to 75 degrees as they ascended. Luckily for Gundam, he was able to climb the rocks with relative ease. However, for Souda...

"SHIT!" A scream erupted from below the animal breeder, "SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT HELP!!!"

Gundam Tanaka looked below him to see his mortal enemy dangling from a loose rock.

"Pathetic mortal!" Gundam shouted from above, "How do you lack the abilities to climb such an easy mountain!?" 

"JUST HELP ME GUNDAM!!!" Tears flowed freely down Souda's face, "I'M GONNA DIE!!!"

Gundam extended his hand and grabbed his enemy's wrist. With a sharp yank, Gundam pulled Souda up to level with him. The two men deeply stared into each other's eyes, Gundam leering into Souda's with extreme contempt.

"You utter fool." Gundam sighed, "It's not like I can carry you up this mountain and still maintain my footing."

"Gu-Gundam I can't- I can't d-do this..." Souda sniffled, unable to control his tears. "I-I loo-looked down... The ground is- so far down I can't do it! I-I I'm gonna die Gundam!"

"You know what?" Gundam said sternly, "Remove my scarf this instant and tie your pathetic mortal body to my back. I cannot asure you I will contain my power and not incinerate your body when we touch for an extended period of time, however."

With shaking hands, Souda grabbed Gundam's scarf and mounted his back. The scarf bound the two together, but Souda wrapped his arms over Gundam's shoulders just incase. It took an extra amount of Gundam's power to ignore the unidentified hard object that was now pressed against the small of his back.

The extra weight slowed Gundam down, but Souda was dummy thick and the clap of his asscheeks gave them an advantage. It took around 30 minutes, but they had reached the peak.

"Here we are, you blubbering pansy!" Gundam untied his scarf and wiped the tears that had fallen onto his neck. "If we are lucky, we will find the Wizard Known as Markiplier practicing his sorcery."

Souda lay on the ground with his hands covering his face; he was too shaken up to respond.

"Hey Lois, who are these chumps?" Echoed a voice from afar. Both men jolted at the sound, looking to where they assumed it had come from. There was a small log cabin otop of the peak.

"Show yourself this instant!" Gundam commanded.

"It's just me, Family Guy." A plump man walked out with a plate of mashed potatoes, "Family Guy Peter Griffin Family Guy."

"I see... The Bearer of Unfunny Comedy..." Gundam redid his scarf, "State your purpose!"

"Well Lois made all these nice mashed potatoes for our guests! I was thinking that you might be some of her one night stands she invited." Family Guy smiled, his inviting face calming down both Souda and Gundam.

"I feel as though your nutritional rations would be more toxic than the ones fed to me by my mother." Gundam crossed his arms.

"Oh c'mon Gundam!" Souda shouted, "We haven't eaten anything but my mom's cookies today, I'm fuckin' starving here!"

"Tch. I cannot believe that a pathetic mortal like you would willingly consume poison, knowing it will cause adverse effects."

"If you're so worried, then I'll take the first bite! Geez!" Souda wiped away the remnants of his tears.

The inside of Family Guy's log cabin was interesting to say the least. All that was inside were authentic the Godfather movie props and a dinner table with several guests and what the pair assumed to be Lois.

"Wow..." A familiar voice came from the far end of the table, "Gundam and Souda... Long time no see?"

"Who said th- Oh my GOD NOT YOU!" Souda shouted, the owner of the voice was none other than Nagito Komaeda. Under the Ultimate Lucky student's arm was a chubby skeleton wearing a fur coat.

"Haha, he's already having a bad time." Sans laughed, "I didn't even have to do anything."

"Hey Lois, it seems these homosexuals already know some of the guests!" Family Guy guffawed softly.

"I'm not a homosexual! He might be, but I'm not!" Souda shouted to deaf ears.

"Anyways, these are my friends Rohan Kishibe, Reigan Arataka, and CDI Link!"

The men dined like kings, wondering what was for dinner while scarfing down the mashed potatoes. Gundam watched his mortal enemy slurp down those potatoes, seething with jealousy of his mindless self indulgence in the meal. The animal breeder took a whiff of the mashed potatoes to check it for poison before slipping it between his lips. The taste warmed not only Gundam's icy heart, but his icy toes too.

Suddenly, Lois was deepthroating Rohan Kishibe's dick while taking Reigan Arataka's in her asshole.

"Oh my god!" Souda shouted his hands shifting to cover his crotch area, "What's going on here!?"

"It's American tradition to throw an orgy during a mashed potato party." Peter undid his pants and slapped Komaeda's ass. "Cum as much as you want, lads."


	5. The Virgin, The Supreme Overlord of Ice, and The Coochie Dungeon

"It appears we have accidentally traversed into the hellscape known as the Coochie Dungeon!" Gundam threw a chair at Peter Griffin. "Run Souda! They're going to creampie our feet!"

Souda froze. He weighed out his options: Get Gundam fresh undies from Markiplier and recieve pure and true love in return, or get fucked up in the Coochie Dungeon.

"Wow Gundam... I can't believe someone like you would reject coochie..." Komaeda momentarily removed his mouth from Sans's crotch, "Guess you were a reserve course student all along."

Souda snapped out of his mashed potato filled daze. His hand left his boxers and greeted Gundam's hand.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MORTAL!?" Gundam shouted as Souda got up to run.

"I'm saving us from these perverts, duh!" Souda harshly responded, "Imagine if Miss Sonia knew we were in here!"

Gundam had no time to focus on that comment, there was a more pressing matter.

"Then tell me, pathetic mortal, who is going to fend off HIM!?" Gundam pointed towards King Harkinian.

"I now know what's for dinner..." The King stepped towards the handholding buddies. "It's you two!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Souda screamed in fear.

"Like I said, mortal, run while I hold him off!"

Souda couldn't take it anymore. The dick cheese mountains, the bullying, the virginity. Without thinking, the ultimate mechanic grabbed the wrench he carried around for comfort and did the one thing he did best.

Disassemble objects.

"Hey Lois, remember the time that Souda Kazuichi started disassembling our house?" Peter Griffin said as Souda started to dissassemble the house.

"Hmph." Rohan Kishibe scoffed, "Guess the Mashed Potato Orgy was a failure."

"What the fuck did you say to me?" Peter Griffin punched Rohan in the jaw, breaking two of the mangakas teeth on impact.

"HEAVEN'S DOOR!"

The two men failed to realize the real scenario while they fought: Souda was turning their miniature Coochie Dungeon into a cage. A jail. A coochie jail if you will. With the last log in place, the two underwear spelunkers made a run for it.

"Move faster, asshole!" Souda ran faster than he ever has in his life, "There's a cave we can hide in across this river!"

Gundam froze.

"I cannot do this, Souda. The Supreme Overlord of Ice is weak against water ty-"

"Could you fucking drop the act for five fucking minutes!?" Souda jumped at the rattling of the cage he'd just built, "AAAAH! Gundam just get in the fucking wa-"

"I CANNOT!" Gundam turned away, "I will fight off the Coochie Denizens while you abscond."

"Gundam? Can you not swim or something?"

The animal breeder said nothing.

"Look, I don't think I'd be able to carry you on my back. But you can- God no that's- No wait this is life or death!" Souda presented his hand to Gundam, "Hold this while we cross, but don't say ANYTHING about it to Miss Sonia!"

"But my body will incinera-"

"JUST GRAB MY FUCKIN' HAND YOU IDIOT!"

The cage burst open, and Nagito Komaeda was coming for those toes.

Gundam tightly gripped the hand of his mortal enemy, and entered the shallow water. Fear consumed the embodiment of horror itself, but something about his mortal enemy- no, his friend's hand seemed to be dispelling it.

"Souda... I had no idea you could cast spells."

"I can't dumbass." Souda rolled his eyes, "This is reality."

"Then why am I, Gundam Tanaka, Supreme Overlord of Ice, not afraid of the dreaded water type while my hand is in yours?"

Souda winced slightly at that statement. He felt the same as he did when Miss Sonia would say literally anything to him, positive or negetive.

"Just shut up..."

Nagito Komaeda watched from the other end of the river. Lois's mouth clamped onto his dick. While her dick sucking skills could help him cross the river, he decided to bide his time.

For now.


	6. The Cavernous Coochie

Inside of the cave, Gundam rubbed two sticks together to attempt to ignite a fire.

"Hey, wait a minute..." Souda leered at Gundam, "If you have quote unqoute magical powers, why can't you just fuckin' use them here!"

"Pathetic mortal..." Gundam furiously rubbed the two pieces of wood against each other, "Can't you tell that these are wands that filter my evil power into a more concentrated beam!?"

The chuunibyou fumbled with his two sticks, barely even getting a spark. His accomplice watched with eyes half shut, he was truly done with this shit. Echoes of Gundam's swearing bounced off the cave walls. Souda prayed that there was no dangerous beasts lurking in the dark that would be awakened by such a noise.

After about five minutes of torture, the ultimate mechanic couldn't take it anymore.

"God FUCKING dammit Gundam just give it to me!" Souda snatched the two worn out sticks from Gundam's hands.

"UNHAND MY WANDS, MORTAL!" Gundam pushed Souda away, knocking him into a bumpy assortment of rocks.

Gundam stood above his friend, holding the sticks triumphantly in hand.

"Trust me, Souda, there's no way a pathetic mortal like you could hand the power of th-" Gundam paused his monolouge when he realized the tears flowing out of Souda's eyes. "I... Uh... Are you alright?"

""Oh, sure, yeah. I'm alright. Of COURSE I'm fuckin' alright!" Souda's shouts were now the sounds that echoed through the cave, "Push me down, hurt me, ask if I'm okay. Fuckin' rinse and repeat isn't it? Make me think you care just to abuse and throw me away when I stop being useful to you!"

"Where did th-"

"YOU'RE ALL THE FUCKIN' SAME OKAY!? EVERYONE DOES THIS, EVERYONE IS LIKE THIS. AND I'M SICK OF IT!" Souda slammed his fist into the cave wall, his knuckle splitting open on impact. "JUST FUCK OFF FOR A MINUTE WILL YOU!?"

The cave was now silent other than the sounds of fresh tears hitting the ground. Gundam stared into his friend's eyes, he guessed this was no to the cock and ball torture. His friend was now sitting with his face away from him in the corner of the cave.

"Kazuichi... You throw stones from your mental throne unaware that both are made of glass."

"Th-the fuck does that even mean? Leave me alone."

"It means you hurl insults at me, Hajime, and anyone that isn't Sonia because you're insecure." Gundam stood above his friend, "You are scared of commitment because there is no insurance that someone will stay."

"No I'm not."

"If you weren't, could I do THIS!"

Souda turned around to see what in God's name Gundam was talking about, and in his hand was a bag of thin mints taken from his left pocket.

"Mom's thin mints?" Souda attempted to hide his smile, but it slipped out anyways.

"This is my gift to you, Mechanical Gremlin of Virginity." Gundam grabbed Souda's hand and placed the thin mints in his palm.

Tears erupted from Souda's eyes yet again.

"Tch. Have you decided that these morsels are now tainted because they have been in my vicinity?" Gundam questioned, "They are coated in a barrier, you know."

Souda pulled Gundam into a hug.

"They're... Tears of happiness Gundam." Souda tightened his grip, "Thank you."

*SPARK*

The two men recoiled from eachother, a heated sensation had filled both of their crotches. 

"AAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!" Souda screamed and pointed at Gundam's dick, which had a small flame burning above it. The chuunibyou furiously fanned his cock, the fire perishing within 10 seconds.

Souda and Gundam exchanged glances. They had forgotten they needed a fire.

"Kazuichi..." Gundam stroked his own chin, "It appears that maybe one does not rub sticks to make a fire... But instead two rub dicks."

"So you admit it's not magic!" Souda shouted, "I fuckin' knew this was all an act!"

"Silence virgin. Are we going to engage in friction between our meat wands or not?"

"Ugh... I guess it's not gay if I pretend you're Miss Sonia wearing a strap-on." Souda unzipped his jumpsuit. His blue pink and yellow colored underwear poked out from the slit near the very bottom. How Gundam yearned for a pair of his own to protect his breeding balls.

"C'mon man! If we're gonna do it let's just get it over with." Souda revealed more of his Diver Down colored underwear, revealing that he's based on Anasui from Jojo's Bizarre Adventure part 6 Stone Ocean.

"I need not strip."

Gundam's throbbing eight inch willy burst through the front of his pants on command. Souda paused the action of pulling his dick through the slit in his boxers to observe. The mechanic cringed as he felt his then soft cock harden in his hand.

Souda held out his weiner, and touched tips with Gundam. Sparks flew. It was working.

The two men furiously rubbed their dicks together, the heat growing stronger and stronger.

*WHOOOSH*

Gundam's dick went up in flames. The chunnibyou rammed his cock into the pile of sticks, successfully creating a heat source for him and his friend.


	7. Tonight's Main Dish

Souda's eyes opened before Gundam's, but his butthole didn't. Above the mechanic was a blue hominoid creature with a massive nose and fabulous mustache.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Souda erupted into a scream, jolting up from his sleeping position. Gundam's eyes snapped open to witness the scene.

"Here it is Schnitzel, the uncircumsized men I was taking about!" The hominoid stated to his rock monster assistant. "Now to milk them, you go-"

"HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT I, GUNDAM TANAKA SUPREME OVERLORD OF ICE, HAVE NOT SKINNED MY MEAT WAND!?" Gundam stood infront of Souda, as if to protect him.

"See, the way I can tell they're uncircumsized is by their chakras. Can you feel it Schnitzel, can you feel the intense overflow of power coming from their groins?" 

"Rada rada..." 

"Yes, exactly. Well, we need to milk their toe sweat for the cream pie as soon as possible or Truffles is gonna make me sleep on the couch again!" Mung Dahl slipped on some latex gloves and turned back towards the men. "Wait, where did they go?"

* * *

 

"COULDN'T YOU HAVE FOUND A LESS GAY WAY TO CARRY ME!?" Souda yelled from Gundam's arms, who held him bridal style.

"It was the only way to abscond from the scene in a timely manner." Gundam state as he jumped across a minature cliff, "Any other way and we would've been poached."

*THUMP* *THUMP*

Just as Gundam turned the corner, a creature emerged from the ceiling.

It had seventeen legs and twenty-four faces. Snot leaked from twelve of them. A mistral aura exuded from the beast, and its powerful stench made the pair of men dizzy with nausea. Its eight pairs of jeans all ended below the ass crack.

"It's a Magic the Gathering player..." Gundam gently placed Souda down onto the ground, "I thought their kind was extinct."

"Woah wait a minute! I'm an MTG fan, what are you trying to say!?" The virgin yelled.

"You follow the lies of a false prophet, Kazhichi. Now allow me to tame this beast." Gundam pulled out his Yugi-Oh cards. His first draw was Dark Magician, but that didn't matter. Gundam strategically tossed the cards at the MTG player, distracting him from him and his friend. Souda stared at the man hurling cards.

They truly were like Alvin and the Chipmunks. Gundam was Alvin, and Souda was the Chipmunks.


	8. Grandma got Out Put by a Reindeer

It was Souda Kazuichi's 15th birthday, and his parents and grandma had taken him to mini golf. His father didn't approve of such an unmanly activity.

"Kazhichi, I don't approve of such an unmanly activity." Mr. Souda disapproved of his unmanly son for not the first time, but definitely not the last.

"C'mon, let him have his fun!" Grandma Souda patted her grandson's head, "He just lost all his school friends and failed that test for cheating!"

"That's why I don't approve."

Souda was in tears, he fucking hated mini golf. However, his grandma was the mini golf champion in all of Japan. He couldn't disappoint the only person who showed him affection. Especially not at a time like this.

"Let's ditch this loser epic style." Grandma grabbed Souda by the arm and walked away with him. "It's time to pwn some noobs going pvp."

On the first hole, a bearded old man and some elves awaited. Their faces angry with contempt, as if they knew Grandma Souda.

"My face is angry with contempt as if I know you." Santa Claus proclaimed, "And it's because I do, Grandmauichi Souda!"

"So my secret's out." Grandma removed her wig and revealed her long, poorly cut locks of pink hair. "It's been awhile, Santa Claus."

"Who's this glasses wearing child?" Santa pointed to Kazuichi, "And why's he crying?"

"Because he's about to deck the halls with bows of golf balls."

Souds gulped, the immense pressure from his grandmother made him unconfident in his golfing skills. He really did fucking suck.

The first hole: The I Hate Mechanics by the Name of Souda Kazuichi hole. The one that Souda named himself because he could never win it.

Santa tapped the golf ball, it rolled two feet and fell right in. The elves clapped and cheered.

Souda tapped his golf ball, it slammes against the windmill and flung 40 feet into the air.

Rinse and repeat for the next 17 holes.

His goddamn allergies were acting up, and at the worst time.

The eighteenth hole: The Disappoint Your Parents hole. You became the golf ball yourself, and had to fist fight the other player for victory. Souda's 5'6 140 pound frame was no match for Santa Claus.

The score was clear. Christmas wins again.

"Well Grandmauichi, you know what this means." Santa Claus called his reindeer.

Grandmauichi looked at her grandson one last time.

"You always did have my eyes."

* * *

 

Souda awoke in a cold sweat, he was no longer among the MTG fan but was in the arms of Gundam Tanaka.

"Hey Gundam... The hell happened?" Souda's voice was shakier than normal, and he realized hed been crying in his sleep.

"Upon seeing my true prowress, your mortal body shut down momentarily as it could not grasp the true form of my attack." Gundam merely stated.

Souda thought this was total bullshit, there had to be another factor.

"I do think that an apology is owed to your overlord. You compared me to the leader of those three wreched human generated beasts before passing out!"

Souda felt confused, but then he didn't. It was Alvin. Alvin and the Chipmunks. 

Gundam now held an unconcious Souda.


	9. My Only Sunshine

The foul smelling poison slipped between Gundam's lips. It was 7:30 AM, an hour before he had to attend middle school with those pathetic mortals. The eyes of his mother were on her own helping of poison, and Gundam couldn't help but wonder if she could tell what she had done to their food or not.

"Gundam, sweetie, have you made any school friends?"

Gundam's eyes met his mother's.

"I do not see why that matters. I am there to learn, am I not?" Gundam took another reluctant bite out of his 'pancakes'. Maple syrup spilled on his My Chemical Romance t-shirt.

"I was just thinking. Thinking about homeschooling you." Gundam's mother warmly smiled, "In a few years, you'll be a big man who won't need me anymore. I want to spend as much time with you as possible."

Gundam internally cringed, cafeteria food was his only solace. But was good food really worth the abuse from the mortals who failed to understand his power?

"I'll think about it, mother."

* * *

 

It was time to eat lunch, but in Gundam's mind it was time to eat brunch. The young man grabbed a large helping of vegetables and a bread roll before making his way to the bathroom stall he ate in during lunch every day.

Except this time, the stall was locked shut. Gundam, however, was not giving up. He stood outside of his special lunch room for a good three minutes. Teasing words from his peers echoed when they caught a glimpse of him.

He'd had enough.

"Why are you taking so long, mortal!?" Gundam banged the stall door, "Don't you know that I, Gundam Tanaka Supreme Overlord of Ice  have put a hex on that very stall to prevent mortals from remaining in there for more than five minutes without their skin melting from their bodies!?"

"S-sorry." A voice echoed, "I'm really not feeling well."

Gundam's anger mellowed for just a second.

"Would you like to borrow my magic stomach elixer!?" Gundam pulled the pepto bismol out from his bookbag and rolled it under the stall door.

The stall door suddenly opened.

A boy in the same grade as Gundam opened the stall door. His short black hair was a mess, and in his hands were a pair of smudged cat-eye glasses. His eyes full of tears.

"I-I don't... Need pepto bismol." 

"You must have magic abilities too, because despite my supersonic hearing, I could not pick up on your soundwaves of sadness."

"Oh. That. Yeah, I, uh," The other boy wiped away his tears. "My old man h-he yells at me if I whimper when I cry, or if I cry at all. S-so I learned to be quiet about it. Wish I could learn to stop."

"You should not, mortal." Gundam placed his hand on the boy's shoulder. "Emotions are a very important part to being a poweful being. Gandalf would've never stopped the evil corporation from bulldozing that park otherwise."

The other boy looked extremely perplexed.

"Hey... My name is Souda Kazuichi, what's yours?" Souda put his glasses back on.

"I, Gundam Tanaka the Supreme Overlord of Ice, have no name."

"O-okay?" Souda furrowed his brow.

"Now, are you going to abscond or remain in my lair?"

"I'll probably just go or something." Souda said, "I think the guys who normally mess with me didn't show up today. That or they got arrested."

"It was nice meeting you, mortal."  

"Nice meeting you too, man! Hope to see you around!" Souda held out his hand for a handshake.

Gundam reached out and grabbed Souda's hand. His grip tightened as he stared directly into Souda's eyes.

"H-hey, could you please let go? You're starting to give me the creeps." 

After 45 seconds, Gundam let go. And so Souda left, leaving Gundam to his lair. His sunshine, his only sunshine. The boy closed the stall, making sure the hex he wrote behind the toilet was intact.

"Oh no..." Gundam gasped, "Oh dear Dark Devas no..."

The second part of his hex was now gone and replaced.

"Anyone other than I, Gundam Tanaka Supreme Overlord of Ice, will pass out every time they think about Alvin and the Chipmunks if they remain in this stall for more than five minutes."

* * *

 

Gundam wrapped Souda up in his jacket, now knowing that that boy from the past was his friend now. His friend who is helping him find an adequate crotch barrier. Gundam knew what he had to do before, after, and/or during their quest to find Markiplier.

"I am going to find the one who hexed you in such a way and make them pay." Gundam said to his unconcious friend, "Even if it's the last thing I do."


	10. Attack of the Living Pants

"Jesus Gundam!" Souda looked over the cliff which he and his friend stood atop of. Around 60 feet away was another cliff, "The hell are we?"

"Still the Mountains of the Dick Cheese, but this particular mountain is not the one that harbors the wizard known as Markiplier." Gundam explained while he drew a pentagram in the dirt, "So what I am planning to do is to use my dormant wind magic to help us cross to the other one in what you mortals would call a 'jiffy'."

Souda flashed a perplexed look at Gundam.

"You can't be serious!" Souda yelled, "You DON'T have magical powers, and you definitely can't fly!"

Gundam ignored his friend and continued drawing.

"No, no, no, Gundam." Souda grabbed the animal breeder's shoulders and stared into his eyes, "Ya aren't ACTUALLY planning on trying to make that jump, right?"

Gundam was silent.

"What the fuck!?" Souda shouted, "I'm not gonna let you do that."

"Just watch me, mortal." Gundam finished his pentagram and walked back 20 feet to speed himself up for the jump. The animal breeder began to sprint, the gap getting closer and closer. Gundam prepared himself for the jump when suddenly.

*Thunk*

Gundam's body was hit by a foreign object and he fell into the dirt, ruining his summoning circle.

"PATHETIC MORTAL!" Gundam pushed Souda off of him, "I understand that you cannot grasp the true intensity of my power, but was it really necessary you tackle me to the ground!?"

"I'm not letting you jump, dumbass!" Souda pinned Gundam to the ground, "It's literal suicide!"

Gundam merely stood up, Souda's small frame was no match for Gundam's 93 cm of tittage. 

"The old Souda would not meddle with my godly endeavours."

"Well this aint the old Souda, you dumb fuck!" Souda brushed the dirt off his jumpsuit, which was already disgusting and full of his sweat and cum, "This is the Souda that's helping you find some underwear so we can mate!"

Gundam tensed up and blushed. His pants involuntarily tighted and he hoped to the Dark Devas his dick just had a random growth spurt.

"I-I MEAN SO YOU CAN FIND ME A PROPER MATE." Souda's face went tomato pink, "D-DON'T YOU DARE TAKE THAT THE WRONG WAY, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!"

Gundam's boner literally teleported out of his pants, it won't be back for another four months.

"Had you been Jesus, it would've been unecessary for the romans to do anything." Gundam looked away and pulled his scarf over his mouth.

"The hell does that mean!" Souda panicked internally, why was he hard? 

"Pants pants!" 

The dual virgins turned their heads towards the noise. A pair of blue jeans was walking past some rocks.

"Pants!"

"Holy shit." Gundam's mouth when agape, "It's a wild pants. I've never seen a wild pants up close."

Souda didn't have the energy to question what the fuck Gundam was talking about.

"Careful, Souda. Wild pants are very dangerous. However these magical beasts could be used to help us traverse over to the mountain that is more likely to contain the wizard known as Markiplier."

Gundam dropped down to the ground and began to slither. The mating dance of the wild pants. Souda watched his friend be surrounded by the horny pantalones.

"Now you see, Souda. The difference between wild pants and domesticated pants is that wild pants contain bones while domesticated ones do not. The removal of these bones does not hurt the pants, so long as it's done by a skilled seamstress."

"How the fuck does that make them dangerous? Snakes don't have any bones but they're not exactly a delight to be around!" Souda shouted.

Wrong move Kazuichi, the pants have taken notice of you.

Several pairs of jeans stared to rush towards Kazuichi Souda for one reason only: murder.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Souda's legs involuntarily forced his body to abscond. Those pants clearly had bad intentions. It was only until the sewing kit rattled in his breast pocket he knew what he must do.

Souda pulled out a long sewing needle and some thread.

"Souda you utter buffoon!" Gundam shouted from afar, "Do you even realize that wild pants are not as tame as domesticated ones!?"

"I KNOW!" Souda slipped on his thimble, "BUT I HAVE A PLAN!"

Souda took a seam ripper and broke one of the pants's hymen, its bones poking out. With one fell swoop, the mechanic yanked the bones from the wild pants.

The pants screamed, and so did Gundam.

"SOUDA NO!" Gundam was now ass naked, using his domesticated pants to distract the wild ones, "REMOVAL OF THE BONES IN SUCH A FAST FASHION WILL DEPLETE THE PANTS'S MANA!"

"Then how the FUCK am I supposed to do this!!?" Souda yelled, his hands ripping bones from pants right and left, subsequently sewing them up just as fast.

"LIKE THIS!" Gundam grabbed Souda's hand and guided it to gently remove the bones from the pants. Gundam's boner returned before 4 months, he guessed those 4 months were 4 French months rather than standard ones.

The pants didn't scream this time.

Souda ignored his friend's boner (and his own) while they harvested the bones from the remaining wild pants. With their pile of domesticated pants, they could make a rope to cross the canyon.

A shadowy palm tree haired figure watched from the distance, stroking his chin.


	11. Skinny Bitches Going Skinny Dipping

Upon landing on the new mountain, the duo traversed through a strangle jungle that juxtaposed everything they saw on the old mountain. As they inched deeper and deeper, the pair came across a shallow pond with a waterfall leaking into it.

"Perfect." Gundam took off his coat and began to unzip his pants, "My immortal body is in need of a cleanse." 

"Hey, wait!" Souda shouted at his stripping friend, "I thought you were allergic to water or some shit!"

"Foolish mortal, a god like me is not afflicted by a low level water type attack." Gundam neatly piled his clothing onto a rock formation by the pond and slipped himself in. The cold water against Gundam's sweating skin made him expell a refreshing sigh. "It would be wise to join me, I feel quite replenished by these healing energies!"

Souda cringed at the thought of bathing with another man. But with how long it's been since he'd cleaned himself, it's what he had to do.

"J-just don't watch me take of my clothes!" Souda turned around to unzip his jumpsuit. He shook nervously as he pulled his shirt over his head and prepared to remove his underwear.

God, did he wish he'd brought an extra pair.

Souda placed his clothes next to Gundam's and entered the pool five feet apart from Gundam. Because he's not gay. To distract himself from the naked man five feet away, Souda felt up the bone he extracted from one of the wild pants.

"I must say, Souda." Gundam broke the awkward silence with awkward dialouge, "I am quite curious about your fixtation with skeletons."

"My what?"

"The fact that blood rushes to your crotch in excitement when thinking of removing a damsels clothing and, as you stated, 'checking out her bone structure'!"

"W-WHO TOLD YOU!?" Souda yelled, "THAT GODDAMN BASTARD HAJIME, I BET IT WAS HIM!"

"It was, but do not fret." Gundam chuckled, "It was the Eve of New Year's, and we were all discussing what drives us to breed. Hajime had distorted his senses with excess alcohol and exposed secrets about not only you, but himself. Hajime Hinata enjoys women tying him up and forcing him to eat a whole can of peas!"

"I... Don't think I wanna know if that's a metaphor or not. And I'm also pissed I wasn't invited to the New Year's Party!" Souda could no longer look Gundam in the eyes, "I mean, if you really wanna know. I can show you."

"Show me?"

"Yeah like, on your body and shit." Souda blushed, but there was only one way for him to show what he means.

Gundam invited Souda to come over.

"Okay what I mean is it gives me a better image in my mind of how the human body is formed, and works." Souda pressed his thumbs against Gundam's collarbone and swiped them towards his spleen. He slowly moved them down to Gundam's stomach. "It makes me real fuckin' horny when I think about rubbing the hard parts of a girl."

Souda's hands slid across Gundam's hip bones.

"Are you horny right now, mortal?"

"N-NO! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I'M NOT GAY!" Souda retracted his hands from Gundam's body. "WHATEVER, I EXPOSED MY FETISH! IT'S YOUR DUTY AS A MAN TO EXPOSE YOURS TOO."

"Tch, a pathetic mortal like you would instantly implode upon hearing what drives the Supreme Overl-"

"JUST FUCKIN' DO IT GUNDAM!" Tears leaked from Souda's eyes onto his pinkened cheeks. Gundam then realized this may not be important to him, but it was to his friend.

"Fine." Gundam reached for his absent scarf to cover his face, "The strange aura that drives me to breed is placing gelatinous mixtures between my phalanges."

"The hell does that mean!?"

"Tch. A pathetic mortal expecting me to speak his language. I enjoy coating my feet in jello." Gundam once again attempted to cover his embarassment with a scarf that wasn't there.

"Well that isn't what I expected, I thought you'd be into petplay or furry shit." Souda scratched his cheek, "Makes me wonder what Miss Sonia's fetish is..."

"Definitely not you, I can attest to that much!" Gundam smirked.

"OH FUCK OFF!" Souda splashed Gundam half playfully and half angrily.

"Well I know what my fetish is..."

Both of the men froze at the sound. It couldn't be.

"It's hope."

Nagito Komaeda was crossing the river using Lois Griffin's dick sucking skills.


	12. Souda's Curse and Gundam's Discourse

The two naked men steeled infront of the almost naked Komaeda and the fully clothed Lois. Her full clothing, however, didn't make up for the nudity of the other three parties.

"Y-YOU STAY AWAY FROM US!" Souda covered his crotch with one hand and pointed at Komaeda with the other. "F-FUCKING PERV!" 

Komaeda chuckled softly, and pulled out a chaos emerald.

"Hey, Lois... Remember those live action reboots of old cartoons?"

Gundam winced and locked his eyes onto Souda. His friend was perplexed, and Gundam prayed he'd stay that way. The chuunibyou furiously drew a secret summoning circle in the dirt next to him.

"Remember all those cute characters, turning into horrid abominations?" Komaeda inched closer and closer. Lois Griffin really was good at sucking dick.

Gundam sweat profusely, he could not let Souda remember. The circle was almost done.

"The Smurfs, Cat in the Hat... and Alvin and the Chipmunks."

As Komaeda said that, Souda fell into the water. His entire body submerged, but the big chunk of poorly cut hair on his head stuck out to the surface.

"KAZUICHI NO!" Gundam abandoned his circle and grabbed his friend, lifting his head above the water. His hand pressed against Souda's neck to feel for a heartbeat.

Thank the Dark Devas, it was there.

But Souda wasn't.

Komaeda had used Chaos Control, and taken Souda with him.

Gundam was alone now, naked and afraid.

He stood for a bit, frozen in time. Tears dripped down the animal breeder's cheeks for the first time in years. Nothing felt real to him. His arms, his hands, his fingers. The shirt he pulled back on over his head, the scarf he wrapped around his neck. The skinny jeans he slipped on, his combat boots with several belts.

Souda's underwear.

Gundam's eyes met the bright cyan undergarments. Is this what he yearned for this whole time? Gundam's hands grabbed the boxers and held them up to eye level.

"Magnificent." Gundam shakily said, "Really, truly, magnificent." A darker side of Gundam suggested that he take a good whiff of the underwear, but he knew that would be stooping to pathetic mortal level.

The darkest side of Gundam suggested he put them on, but the Supreme Overlord of Ice knew he must earn himself a pair of undies.

Gundam folded the undies and stuffed them in his back pocket. Gundam slid on Souda's beanie after soaking it in the water to cleanse it of the grease. The jumpsuit was folded and stuffed into Gundam's other back pocket.

"I will locate your whereabouts, Komaeda." Gumdam shouted to the sky, "And I will save my slave/manservant/sacrifice/housekeeper/friend, Kazuichi Souda, from your clutches and the horrible curse you laid upon him!"


	13. Nice Legs Daisy Dukes Makes a Man Milk his Toes

Gundam stood atop the tallest tree in the Dick Cheese Mountains, the Dick Cheese tree. The tree that only grows in the Dick Cheese mountains.

"Now if I were those Artificial Coochie Dungeon crusaders, where would I abscond to?" Gundam discussed with himself; it would be too obvious for them to go back to the Family Guy log cabin.

"Would you like some help, young man?"

Gundam jolted and looked down. The blue hominoid from earlier was standing there with his friend. In his hand was the Spoon of Power. His friend's held the Fork of Power.

But Gundam wasn't having it.

"Begone with your facade!" Gundam threw paper shurikens he's had since middle school at the pair, "The Supreme Overlord of Ice's supple toes are too potent to be milked for a dish such as the cream pie!"

"Well, I guess you'll never find out what happened to Mr. Souda!" Mung Daal shrugged, "Goodbye Gundam, I wish you well!"

"You know the whereabouts of my manservant!?'

Gundam slapped his ass down onto the ground. He brushed himself off as he stood.

"Maaaaaybe we'll tell you if you give us some of that supple toe milk!" Mung Daal crossed his arm, "I would love to help you without payment, but my wife will kill me if I don't finish this creampie!"

"Not if I do it first! Bestow me with the location of my manservant this instant!"

Gundam charged up his fire attack, he could take them. He could take them so easily. 

"RADA RADA!"

Schnitzel banged the fork of power onto the ground. Gundam flinched, rada rada indeed.

"Tch, fine." Gundam pulled his scarf over his mouth, "I guess I'll have to allow you pathetic mortals milk my toes. That is no matter, however! For I, Gundam Tanaka, will milk my toes for eternity if it means saving Souda from the clutches of the Artificial Coochie Dungeon!"

"Yes yes." Mung Daal sighed, "Marriage really fucking sucks, huh Schnitzel?"

"Rada rada."

* * *

 

Souda awoke in a dark room, but it wasn't dark for long because he turned on the lights. His surroundings were an exact replica of Krusty the Clown's restaurant, Krusty Burger. The windows and doors were boarded up, all except for the one that led to the kitchen.

"What the hell!?" Souda shouted, not knowing his shouts were a mistake just like his conception.

"Woohoo..."

Souda jolted at the sudden sound.

"Yeehoo..."

A primal fear was instilled in the mechanic. He rushed to the front door and started furiously pulling out the nails that held the boards.

"If I could escape, I would but first of all lemme say..." A figure placed his hand on Souda's shoulder, "I must apologize for actin' stank and treatin' ya this way."

"Cuz I've been acting like someone that fell on the floor..." Souda started crying, he couldn't resist Gwen Stafani, "It's your fault you didn't shut the refrigerator."

"Maybe that's the reason I've been acting so cold!" 

Souda was turned around to Sideshow Bob. His face was coated in juggalo makeup and he was wearing a shirt that said 'Magnets, how the fuck do they work?'

"Sweet Escape by Gwen Stefani is Miss Sonia's favorite song..."

"Actually it's Bleed by Meshuggah." Sideshow Bob shook his head, his stand ability [DIE BART DIE] allowed him to know the favorite songs of everyone on the planet. "Your favorite is Move Along by All American Rejects."

"Please don't tell anyone, I can't let people know I still listen to pop punk from the 2000's!"

"I won't, Mister Souda."

Souda Kazuichi stared into the eyes of Sideshow Bob, immense fear and respect filling his body as the juggalo accepted him. Little did Souda know, a hex was being put on him.

Kazuichi Souda can only cum using animal balloons made by the finest clowns.


	14. Alvin and the Chipmunks of Destruction

"Baby you, you got what I need!"

Just a Friend by Biz Markie blasted through the Dick Cheese Forest, which was in the Dick Cheese Mountains. The three men: the ladies man, the animal breeder, the rock, made their way to the place where the mechanic was being held prisoner.

Mung Daal proudly held a vial of fresh toe milk in one hand, and the Spoon of Power in the other. A good whiff and a sigh was heard behind Gundam.

"Tch. You mortals have such strange fascinations." Gundam rolled his eyes. He still had no idea humans could actually lactate from their feet, and yet here he was.

"Well it's some potent toe milk, I'll give ya that!" Mung opened the vial and took a good whiff, "Ah yes, my wife'll REALLY love this creampie!"

"Rada rada rada..."

The song grew louder. Gundam cringed at the mortal music, twisting his face into the shape of a light 3 on the music scale. As the song grew louder and louder, the score went lower and lower.

"Saaaaaaay Schnitzel, this music is rather fine isn't it?" Mung Daal bobbed his head to the song, his asscheeks wobbling.

"Rada!" Schitzel smiled for the first time in years.

If Souda were here, he would complain about the music and call it gay, Gundam thought, I really miss his whining.

The animal breeder winced and stopped, the music was now unbearabley loud and high pitched. Gundam turned around to see Mung Daal and Schnitzel getting their groove on, their minds far away from here. The sound of tiny footsteps in the distance sent a chill through Gundam's spine. He slowly turned back around to see the one who was singing the song.

Him.

"Well, well, well." Alvin said as his tiny paw lifted the cigar from his mouth, "If it aint Gundam 'Femdom' Tanaka."

Gundam was taken aback; How did Alvin find out his middle name?

"Heh, the idiot brought fresh meat." Simon walked out from the bushes. He was much larger than expected, standing at around 7 feet tall. His muscles swollen with testosterone and amino acids. In Simon's hand was another smaller Simon.

Then came Theodore. A short, stout man wearing a chefs outfit came out of not only the bushes but the closet too. His hands combed his hair into a pompador. Theodore's name tag had 6 letters crossed out and replaced with 'heodo_e'.

Gundam shed a single tear and pulled out his secret weapon, the four dark devas of destruction.

"AWAKEN, MY MASTERS!"

San-D was the first to arise. He flexed his hamster arms and they grew into giant human biceps. The rest of San-D followed suit and he became a chiseled masterpiece that would make even the most active body builders look like Souda in comparison. The fur ontop of his head transformed into flowing red locks, his two ears becoming three horns.

San-D was now Santana. Jum-P unleashed an unholy hamster screech and tapped the foreheads of Maga-Z and Cham-P.

The Pillar Men awakened. The boys truly were back in town.

"Tch. Amatuers." Simon ran and hit Santana with a spinning heel kick, the buff aztec god hit the ground with a loud thunk. A furry sensation slammed his head further into the ground. The other pillar men tackled Simon, pinning him to the ground.

Wrong move Kars, Wammu and Esidesi. Tiny Simon is now filing assault charges.

"SAN-D! JUM-P! MAGA-Z! CHAM-P" Gundam called out, "USE YOUR EARTH, WIND AND FIRE POWERS!"

"Tch."

Gundam was suddenly lifted off of the ground.

"Hey, why do you think the chipmunk crossed the road?" Alvin was using his psychic powers at 100% to suspend Gundam in the air.

"I will... Resist!" Gundam struggled against the sheer power of Alvin's psyche.

"To fuck you up."

Gundam was thrown 50 feet to the left. Alvin's left.

The animal breeder tumbled down into some bushes and lost conciousness.

Mung Daal felt a disturbance in the balance of toe milk and snapped out of his trance. His Spoon of Power vibrated.

"So I see ya got a tattooed ass too, huh!?" Theodore chuckled.

"Yes, I made a poor descion around 100 years ago visiting Cancun with my wife." Mung Daal scoffed, "At least I was drunk when I got mine instead of being fully sober when permanently damning my ass to say "I love Mama!"

Theodore hollered and charged at Mung with an iron skewer. Metal against metal clanged as the Spoon of Power deflected the skewer. Theodore's nametag ripped and revealed a second nametag.

"Teruteru, huh?" Mung disarmed the other perverted chef with a swing, "I haven't seen ya since the Mashed Potato Orgy of '16!"

Teruteru shuddered, he hadn't been called that name in hours.

"Avril Lavigne!" Teruteru shouted, despair leaked from his eyes. The chef grabbed his skewer and pointed it at Mung.

"Well I guess I gots to show ya what the ladies really like!" Mung slapped Schnitzel's ass.

"Ra-da!" Scnitzel slapped Mung's ass.

The two touched the tips of the Fork and Spoon of Power, their bodies fusing together along with the fork and the spoon. A large, blueish grey buff hominoid with a big nose and a fabulous mustache emerged.

Shlong Daal had been formed,  and so had the Spork of Power. Teruteru's jaw went agape.

"Prepare rada annihilation radafucker!" The Spork of Power charged up its soup beam and fired. Teruteru had dived out of the way, but not before charring off his chef outfit.

Teruteru sat there ass naked infront of a superior chef.

*WHAM*

Simon had been suplexed by Kars into the area. His glasses broke apart in slow motion while everyone else moved at normal speed.

"HYAAAAAAH!" Shlong Daal brought down his powerful spork, ending the battle.

Simon suddenly didn't feel so good, and faded away.

"I'm sorry..." Teruteru shuddered, "I'll do anythin' as long as ya don't hurt mama!"

Shlong Daal unfused.

"Anything?" Mung asked.

"Anything." Teruteru winked seductively.

Mung Daal got out his milking kit. He and Gundam had already gotten what they wanted from each other, but it was bittersweet that they didn't get to say goodbye.

Alvin searched and searched, but his mortal enemy was nowhere to be found. He cursed himself for not restraining his powers enough to be able to locate him after tossing him so carelessly.

The Dark Devas had turned back into hamsters, and ran back to their master. The chuunibyou was obscured by bushes, but dangerously close to the Artificial Coochie Dungeon's secret base.

Krusty Burger.

 


	15. Move Along Just to Make it Through

Kazuichi Souda sat at the dinner table. The only thing that kept him from being alone was his dinner, a candle, and his wine glass and an identical arrangement on the other side. The division between the two was a rose in a thin jar.

The mechanic had been outfitted properly for his new role in life. His long, pink hair flowed freely without his beanie, more piercings were added to his ears, and he was given a new black jumpsuit with red and white accents.

However, nothing flowed more freely than his tears. Sideshow Bob had promised him companionship in return for his talent. Even if Souda was surrounded by thousands of machines he built himself in record time, he had never felt more alone.

His eyeliner dripped into his vegan and gluten free spaghetti. Souda cried even harder, his old brand never dripped like this. Now everyone could see he was crying. The mechanic grit his teeth and sobbed quietly, alone.

"Even when your hope is gone, you move along."

Souda jolted, he thought his soul was speaking to him but it was just Komaeda under the table.

He still felt like something was missing, someone who belonged at the other end of the table.

* * *

It was Souda's first day at Hope's Peak Academy, his new leaf required him to be as rebellious as possible. He blasted All American Rejects from his earbuds, and had his hands in his jumpsuit pockets. Souda refused to stop smiling, he figured that being a weak nerd who always looked nervous was why he got made fun of so much.

"Hey... You new here?" A gyaru girl grabbed his arm and looked him in the eye. Her tounge licked her lips and she flashed a smile. Her twin ponytails bounced playfully.

Souda shook, he didn't ever expect to get this kind of attention in his life. She was hot but something just didn't feel right in that moment. Or did it? He couldn't tell.

All Souda knew was that this scared him.

"Unhand him wench! He is clearly uncomfortbale with your advances! Don't make me hex you!"

Behind him was a goth looking nerd, the guy that told him to get out of his 'special bathroom stall' in middle school.

"Ugh. Whatever chode." She raised her middle finger and walked away.

"H-hey dickhead, I could've just told her to stop, if I even wanted her to!" Souda yelled at Gundam, "Threats are too much!"

"Tch. Mortals need to learn to ask regardless." Gundam crossed his arms, "She was gambling with her life by invading past my barrier too."

"Oh really?" Souda was taken aback, "Guess the dudes who like her must be pretty jealous that she's out here being so touchy with other men. Man... I hope all the girls here are this friendly."

"Get your mind of the proverbial gutter you pathetic mortal, we are here to study!"

Two ultimate jocks laughed in the distance, and Souda immediately felt as pathetic as he did in the past. His eyes clearly welled up with tears, and Gundam felt a wash of guilt come over him.

"Don't worry, I will eradicate these ogres!" Gundam began doing hand signs and attempted to draw a pentagram with his feet.

Both Souda and Gundam got their asses beat before going into Ms. Usami's class that day.

No matter how many times Souda and Gundam got made fun of by other students for their weird habits and strange friendship, both of them seemed more confident than they ever were.

Souda didn't care that he was called every word in the book by other students who came from the same middle school. He even started wearing his glasses for class assignments again.

As for Gundam, he took the Dark Devas to school nearly everyday. He feared that their power may be too much for mortal skin, but he was rather delighted when his best friend pet San-D and proclaimed 'these are some cute ass hamsters, bro!'

For once, Gundam didn't feel like correcting a mere mortal's freudian slip.

Everyday Souda would come over to Gundam's house, sometimes until after dinner, and then thank them for allowing him to stay over.

Gundam had no idea how Souda could handle the poison that his mother fed him each time he visited. He must be a mortal with built up tolerance to vitriol.

Of course, this all changed when an exchange student arrived. Sonia's cute smile, long blonde hair and mannerisms matched a fantasy that Souda had held deeply in his heart.

"Maaan Miss Sonia is so hot." Souda said to his friend one day, while they were lying in the grass waiting for Mrs. Tanaka to pick them up, "God, if only she knew all the things I want to do to her! Like feed her gelatin!"

"You shouldn't speak about her like that."

"And why the fuck shouldn't I!?" Souda yelled, "You've never been bothered by the shit I say before!"

"It's because I have grown very fond of the Dark Queen, and hearing you say such foul comments about her and her body makes me fear for your mental state."

"Oh, so you're jealous Miss Sonia and I are closer than you ever will be!"

"She kissed me yesterday."

Souda pushed Gundam back. Tears burst from his eyes.

"I... can't BELIEVE YOU, GUNDAM!" He wiped his tears away. A slap suddenly hit his cheek and soon the two were fighting, over something they never imagined they would fight over.

"You've become OBSESSIVE, Kazuichi!" Gundam grabbed Souda's face and tried to push him off, "I'm merely worried about you! This is not Gnomeo and Juliet, you know!"

"FUCK OFF, IT'S WHAT THEY ALL SAY!"

"WELL I SAY HEY, WHAT'S GOIN' ON!?"

Souda grabbed Gundam's bandaged arm and he winced in pain. They really were mirroring his hamsters back then.

Needless to say, Souda never went to Gundam's house that day, or ever again. With a bloody nose, and teary eyes, he walked away blasting Move Along by All American Rejects.

A strange coincidence it was for Souda's nose to start bleeding right after he and Gundam broke off the fight.

* * *

"Wow... What a hopeless story..." Komaeda sat at the other end of the table. "I'm so glad I experienced the despair of teen years so I can feel hope as an adult..."

"Yeah..." Souda said with a voice, it wasn't his. Now knowing Komaeda can read minds, Souda felt hopeless and alone.

Somewhere in a faraway divorce court, Sonia Nevermind's tattooed ass vibrated.

There was trouble with her manwhores.

 


	16. Josuke Metallica

Gundam Tanaka awoke outside of the Krusty Burger, crusty as ever. The Supreme Overlord of Ice panicked and felt himself up. Good. His four Dark Devas were there. 

But Souda wasn't.

Nor were the undies he was seeking.

But he had Souda's.

And god did they smell foul.

Gundam brushed himself off, and his stomach growled intensely. He stared at the entrance of the Krusty Burger, debating on whether poisoning himself was worth it. Most of their food involves meat, but maybe their fries would do the trick.

"I assume this is in the will of causality."

Gundam pushed open the Krusty Burger door. It looked like any old Krusty Burger, except full of customers. All of them Christmas elves. Gundam walked past the hordes of gnomes giving him the stank eye and stood at the counter.

The entire menu had been wiped and replaced with vegan food. Awesome.

A stout, bearded old man dressed in red came to take his order.

"Greetings, mortal, I would enjoy it very much if I exchanged some of my monetary power for your nutrients." Gundam said in a way that was very Gundam-like. "A meatless BLT sandwich please!"

The old man laughed in his face.

"You're ordering that because you're LGBT huh?"

Gundam was in shock, he never knew Santa Claus was a homophobe. He handed over his water damaged 20 dollars and cast a hex on the festive old man. Santa Claus would now uncontrollably yodel every time he steps into a fake Jcpenny's.

"It's a shame I don't shop at fake Jcpenny's, that would be real funny, now, wouldn't it!" Santa claus pulled out his putter. Shit was about to get real.

"Tch. You homophobes never do learn!" Gundam grabbed the nearest elf's legs, and spun him around. Elves flew in all directions, slapping against the walls of the shitty burger joint. Santa Claus parkoured over the counter and slammed his Santa boot into Gundam's face. The animal breeder fell on his ass and dropped the elf.

Santa dashed to his blue pickup truck; it was time to run Gundam the fuck over. 

The vroom vroom of the automobile reminded Gundam of what was important: Souda. As the pickup truck floored it to where Gundam was, he knew at last what he must do.

"Vegan dance routines." A voice said. Gundam blinked and suddenly a man with a pompador was standing infront of him. He was rather fit, and was wearing a My Chemical Romance T-shirt and ripped jeans. Gundam watched as he took the form of a gazelle and deflected the pickup truck as it sped up.

Gundam was actually thinking about holding an elf hostage, but Santa probably doesn't give a shit about them considering their working conditions.

"Why don't you have any reindeer, Santy Claus?" The man taunted, "Guess they left you just like Mrs. Claus did!" 

Santa was pissed.

"HO HO HO MOTHERFUCKER!"

A tree was flung towards Gundam, but only in his mind. The pompador wearing hero deflected it with his vegan dance moves. The animal breeder was jerked upright by his hand and spun around. He now knew what he must do.

Gundam took the form of a giraffe, and macarena'd his heart out. The man looked over at him fondly, as if they knew each other.

"My name is Josuke Metallica." Josuke Metallica smiled somberly, his pompador bouncing up and down while he danced the mamushka. "I am Sonia Nevermind's trusted knave, she's busy running the country right now so I'm filling in."

"A trusted knave sent from the Dark Queen herself!?" Gundam shouted, "It is a disgrace that I have not revealed my secret name to you!"

"It's okay, Gundam Femdom Tanaka."

Gundam's eye's widened, did he-

"FELIZ NAVI YOU TAKE THAT BACK MOTHERFUCKER!" Santa Claus swung his putter right against the ass of his most trusted elf, His Most Trusted Elf.

Josuke Metallica dropped his ass to the ground and began to breakdance as an elephant. His Most Trusted Elf was no match for this level of veganism. He fell instantly at the feet of Josuke Metallica.

"DECK THE HALLS WITH LET'S GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!" Santa Claus grabbed as many elves as he could, and jumped into the front seat of his truck, flooring it out of the Krusty Burger.

"What a fucking loser." Josuke Metallica laughed, "You good, man?"

Gundam stared at the trusted knave, have they met before?

"The aura expelled from your body is festering in my mind as if it is familiar." Gundam stepped closer to the man to inspect, "Have you been graced with my prescence before, mortal?"

Josuke Metallica smiled.

"You'll meet me again in due time, but you can't forget what's important right now."

"Right, I must save my manservant Kazuichi Souda from the clutches of the Artificial Coochie Dungeon!" Gundam snapped back to his version of reality.

"I meant the underwear." Josuke Metallica laughed and playfully nudged Gundam's shoulder, "It seems you've taken a liking to Piss Anasui, though. My dad's were right, you are fucking gay!"

"Wh-what does that mean!?"

Gundam's shouts fell on no ears, Josuke Metallica had vegan danced away like a troll boy wearing tight pants.

 


	17. The Artificial Coochie Dungeon's Dirty Little Secret

Gundam Femdom Tanaka searched the now abandoned Krusty Burger for Kazuichi Diet Souda, but to no avail. He'd cursed himself for allowing Alvin to hurt him, Mung Daal and Schnitzel. He could only hope the other two were okay, and were enjoying the toe milk he provided him. Gundam's boot slammed against something hard, it was a residual elf.

"H-hey man take it easy, I aint do nothin'!" The elf pleaded, he was now on his elf knees. Those are different from human knees.

"Tch." Gundam ignored the elf and walked into the only room he hasn't searched: The computer room. Photos of various people who had gone missing in the past month were scattered on the walls, the garbage can was filled to the brim with crumpled paper, but most strikingly of all, the computer was on.

Gundam pulled back the chair and sat down. Turns out the most striking thing wasn"t the computer, it was the chair made of only popsicles. Not popsicle sticks. Popsicles that haven't melted, but were melting now, because Gundam's ass was making sure they did.

On the computer screen was a Neopets account, one with an unreadable name and a creepy profile picture. Every Neopet was now bleeding from the eyes, and starving. The entire website had hyperrealistic eyes, and blood everywhere. The logo was changed from 'Neopets' to 'I am in Hell every single day and my soul haunts this computer'.

Gundam cried, who could harm their virtual pets like this? He attemped to click the account profile, but a zoomed in picture of a face with hyperrealistic eyes and blood attempted to jumpscare him.

"The supreme overlord of ice has no time for low ranking demons!" Gundam punched his computer screen and exorcised the ghost.

The Neopets account had returned to normal, and Gundam was met with a disturbing sight. All the pets were named Bart. He now knew this was the work of Sideshow Bob.


	18. The Ultimate Despair Rejects

Kazuichi Souda stared into the eyes of Sideshow Bob, ready to bend his will to his command at any moment.

"Mister Souda, your contributions to the production of Artificial Coochie have been astounding." Sideshow Bob placed a hand on Souda's shoulder, "However, if we could get our hands on Gundam Tanaka, we would truly be unstoppable."

A sharp pain rushed through Souda's eyes, causing his tears to well. Feelings of inadequacy rushed through him, everyone always wanted someone else.

Kazuichi Souda would never be enough.

* * *

 

"So you are telling me that Bob of the Sideshow is torturing his Neopets to lure new members to the Artificial Coochie Dungeon?" Gundam exclaimed, furiously feeding Sideshow Bob's Neopets as the lone elf sat beside him.

"Yup, pretty fucked up, huh?" The lone elf sighed, "He's been harvesting their despair and injecting it into new members. Saves him the effort of actually taking advantage their loneliness."

Gunda felt a rush of fear wash through him. What if Souda was in pain right now, and there was nothing he could do to stop it? The animal breeder's hands shook. Not even feeding the Neopets could stop his heart from pounding out of his chest.

*THUMP* *THUMP*

The door knob began to rattle.

"Dude, we gotta hide!" The lone elf ducked and covered.

Gundam rolled his eyes, he was prepared for any threat that came his way.

"Tch. ENTER MY DOMAIN, MORTAL! YOU WILL SOON SEE THE ERROR OF YOUR WAYS! For I, Gundam Femdom Tanaka, will expel you to the Shadow Realm if you beasts dare try to cause me or my friend of ten minutes any harm!"

The door burst open, and Gundam realized he'd lied to himself. 

It was Souda and Komaeda, but as Ultimate Despair.

"See Gundam... You got that wrong..." Komaeda flipped his hair, "How can you expect to defeat me, when I have not cum in six weeks?"

Gundam stood there, shocked. How could Komaeda have not cum in six weeks if Lois Griffin was the one sucking his dick?

Gundam's eyes turned their attention to his friend, who appeared to be completely overtaken by despair.

"Kazuichi... Has it been six weeks since you came too?"

Tears streamed down the mechanic's face.

"Don't call me by my first name, Tanaka." His sharp teeth bared in anger and sadness. It was an inappropriate time for it but Gundam's mind was dirtied by thoughts of those teeth digging into his neck while being given a hickey.

"Right... I can't remember the last time someone called me Nagito..." Komaeda looked at his hand. Gundam knew he had to act quick, Komaeda had pulled out his final smash. There was no rage stronger than that of a man who hasn't cum in 6 weeks. Hands were shaking cold, and Souda's hands were meant to hold. Gundam knew this might be the night where his life ends, but it also might be the one where he saves Souda from his curse once and for all.

All this would have to be decided in a matter of seconds, as Souda raised his wrench for attack.

Gundam suddenly remembered the song that the two of them would listen to when things got rough, when things were so bad nothing seemed to help them other than hearing it.

"Go ahead as you waste your days with thinking." Gundam sang from his heart, "When you fall everyone stands!"

Souda's eyes changed, as if he was no longer in the Krusty Burger with Komaeda, and an elf.

"Another day, and you've had your fill of sinking!" Souda's lips moved without him giving it a second thought.

"With the life held in your-"

"Hands are shaking cold."

The men approached each other, it felt as if they were back in time. Before Miss Sonia, before Ultimate Despair, before the quest to find the wizard known as Markiplier.

"Your hands are mine to hold!"

Gundam grabbed Souda's hands as tight as he could. Tears streamed freely down his face.

"SPEAK TO ME!"

Souda pressed his face into Gundam's chest and weeped uncontrollably. He thought about the years of abuse and torture everyone had put him through, the lack of justice, the loneliness, the pain. Yet here he was, being caressed by his former worst enemy as if they were lovers. A hand suddenly touched Souda's scalp and started stroking his hair. For the first time in his life, Kazuichi Souda felt like the Hell he was put through was undeserved.

"When all you got to keep is strong

Move along, move along like I know you do

And even when your hope is gone

Move along, move along just to make it through"

Gundam held his crying friend in his arms. His mind strayed from his goal of obtaining underwear and focused solely on Souda. He'd always seen him as a blubbering pansy for crying so often, but with tears streaming down his own face he now knew how it felt to have such intense emotions furling inside. Gundam's grip tightened around Souda, and vice versa.

They truly felt happy in that moment.

"Actually... Hope will never be gone..." Komaeda said.

"Shut the fuck up, dumbass." Souda sniffled, "We're having a moment."

"Don't worry, Kazuichi." Gundam rubbed his friend's hair. "I planned for this."

The door swung shut, and then open again.

It was Hajime Hinata.

"Gundam, I have no idea why you messaged me on Neopets of all places, but this better be important."

"Hajime! I have not cum in six weeks!" Komaeda completely forgot about his goal to create Artficial Coochie and prevent Gundam from obtaining proper underwear. The fingers in his ass man ran over to his boyfriend, and jumped into his arms.

"I'm going to fucking tie you up and force you to eat peas, Hajime!"

"Sure you will, Komaeda." Hajime bridal carried Komaeada away. Somewhere in the distance, Lois Griffin's heart shattered.

Souda was now alone with Gundam's humming and his heart beating against his face. His tears had long since stopped, but his face still felt warm and his nose was still stuffed. His body itched, as he was allergic to the fabric he was wearing.

"Hey Souda, I have something for you."

Out of Gundam's pocket came Souda's boxers, as dirty as they were when he last took them off.

Needless to say, Souda's weeping resumed.


	19. Take Me To Church

Gundam and Souda had resumed their quest with some unlikely friends: Hajime and Komaeda. While Souda bitched endlessly about allowing Komaeda within his vicinity, Gundam was able to subdue him with his words.

"Kazuichi, your mortal soul lacked a strong bond with my immortal one before this journey began. Maybe exposure to Komaeda will enchant your heart with a newfound friendship." Gundam patted his friend's back firmly. "Even if he so much as attempts to bring harm to my soul friend, I will incinerate him on the spot!"

"Wait, I thought I was your soul friend." Hajime said, Komaeda was still in his arms.

"You're MY soul friend... Hajime..." Komaeda mooed.

"Y-yeah sorry, Hajime." Souda inched away from Komaeda, "Gundam and I got pretty close these past few weeks."

"I haven't cum in a few weeks."

Gundam looked at Souda, he now understood his disdain for Komaeda.

The four of them approached a light in the Dick Cheese Forest. Gundam was the first to emerge, his eyes being greeted by a large field. A field that shouldn't even be part of a mountain range. Livestock was everywhere, running around and prancing without a care.

A tear came to Gundam's eye, it was a vegan farm. His friends entered after him, not as enthralled with the sight as he was.

"HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!?" Souda suddenly screamed and pointed towards Gundam's foot area. The animal breeder looked down and saw a small metal kitchen appliance.

It smiled.

"I'm Toaster Kazuichi! The Ultimate Cum Filled Toaster and Vegan Farmer! Uncircumsized as all toasters should be!"

The toaster revealed its foreskin to the four men. How a toaster had a penis escaped all of them.

"That's so fucking gross!" Souda hid behind Gundam, "If you actually have magic powers, now would be a good time to use them to fuckin' destroy this thing!"

The toaster started crying.

"B-but Souda, you're my father. I was created from the remnants of your despair."

"Wait..." Komaeda spoke up, "Does that mean there's a Toaster Nagito too?"

Toaster Nagito waddled over, poptarts sticking out of his orifices.

"I made these for you, Hajime."

Hajime grimaced and grabbed the poptarts. Wrong move, Hinata. They're blueberry.

Toaster Nagito comforted Toaster Kazuichi in a way only a toaster could. He started heating up some bread. 

A 5'9, emo, middle aged man appeared in the distance. He was unarmed but his face was contemptuous. Before any of them could react, the four men and the two toasters were divided by a Vegan God.

"Who here is messing with my toasters?" The man asked. "My emoos can't raise themselves, you know!'

"Emus?" Gundam asked. He looked around, but all he saw were cows with undercuts and piercings. "Where are they?"

"Emoos! Not emus! Emo cows!" Gerard Way facepalmed. He'd had enough. The vegan dance moves were about to come out.

"My papa over there wanted to incinerate me!" Toaster Kazuichi cried, "I can't believe he's coping with the abuse that his father put him through by abusing me, proving that abuse is a cycle and that he should really go see a therapist!"

"Shut the fuck up, you cretin!" Souda shouted at the toaster, "I'm not your dad! If anything, you're just a parasite that came outta me!"

"Your father said that to you too, didn't he, Souda?"

The mechanic went silent.

"Even if you weren't his father, that's improper use of a toaster." Gerard Way shook his head, "I can't believe this is happening just after I comforted them from the attack yesterday."

"An attack on your cruelty-free farm!?" Gundam was taken aback, "What horrible, monstrous beast would do such a thing to innocent creatures!?"

Gerard Way looked around, all he saw were emo cows, virgins, and two toasters. He leaned in real close to whisper.

"Darkiplier and Antisepticeye."

"Oh god, oh fuck..." Souda whimpered softly, he knew those names. "Ohhhh noooo..."

 "Is your soul suffering, mortal?" Gundam looked at his friend.

"Darkiplier and Antisepticeye are The Ultimate Underwear Destroyers." Gerard Way looked around once more, "They have successfully destroyed millions of pairs of underwear within the past 10 years. Here, let's go someplace more private."

Gerard Way conjured a jeep. An emo jeep. A weep.

"Get in."

Komaeda had called shotgun, but Hajime didn't trust him to leave his arms. So Hajime sat in the front, still carrying Komaeda bridal style. Gundam and Souda sat behind them. The Dark Devas slept peacefully between the two men.

The instant the car started, Souda felt sick. His head pounded, and he could feel his lunch rising. He placed a hand to his mouth. He couldn't vomit in front of Gerard Way.

"Bequeath your sight and lean against my mortal vessel." Gundam suddenly commanded.

"Wh-what?" Souda managed through his motion sickness.

"Close your eyes and lean on me." 

Souda followed the command and leaned on Gundam's shoulder. It didn't help his sickness, but it made him feel more comfortable. What made it even worse was his growing erection. Souda had always wanted to fuck a Jeep. It felt like a grueling ten hours, the time his head was resting on Gundam.

"It appears as if we have been inside of this human constructed mechanical contraption for a grueling ten hours." Gundam stated.

"Because it has been. The Emo Church is pretty far from the farm." Gerard Way made a left

"The location is in the vicinity of the Dick Cheese Mountains, is it not?"

"Yeah, don't worry about that." Gerard Way pulled into the Emo Church's driveway. "We should be safe from Darkiplier and Antisepticeye here."

 


	20. Tap Dance and That Ass

"BLECHHHH!"

Gundam pat the back of a vomiting Souda, as he had taken him to the bushes on the side of the Emo Church so he could throw up in peace. The poor mechanic was shaken up by the journey, and couldn't take it anymore.

"It is with great pleasure that I congratulate you for containing your toxins until the end of the journey rather than releasing it all over me." Gundam smiled at his friend proudly.

"Y-yeah." Souda wiped his mouth with his arm, "It doesn't help that my cock was rock fucking hard the entire way, though!"

Gundam blushed and sharply gasped. His friend instantly took notice. 

"I was thinkin' of Miss Sonia you perv!" Souda teared up and blushed, he couldn't let Gundam know he still wanted to fuck cars.

"You guys want in or nah?" Gerard Way peeked over the side of the church.

The door to the Emo Church was guarded by the Mega Toaster: Toaster Frank Iero.

"Hey Gerard, who are these chumps?" Toaster Frank Iero said.

"Just some friends." Gerard Way conjured a giant strawberry poptart and handed it to Frank. Frank examined the poptart.

"Alright, you're the real deal."

The Emo Church door swung open. The interior was as dark as the exterior. It was like a normal church but red and black. Where a cross would be there was a Hot Topic.

"Tch. My kind of domain." Gundam smiled.

"You really should get used to it." Gerard Way revealed his leotard, "This is where I'm going to be teaching you proper vegan dance routines."

"V-vegan dance routines!?" Souda's shouts echoed through the Emo Church, "What the fuck are you trying to make us do!?"

Gundam placed his hand on Souda's shoulder.

"My experiences with dance routines of veganism are not as new as one might think." Gundam stared into the eyes of Gerard Way. "Does the knave by the name of Josuke Metallica ring any bells?"

Gerard Way smiled.

"Maybe."

"I accept you as my dance instructor, vegan god." Gundam bowed to Gerard Way.

"HEY, HEY HEY!" Souda shouted once more, "Why do we gotta learn how to vegan dance!?"

"Do you wanna defeat Darkiplier and Antisepticeye or not?" Gerard Way asked to no reaponse. Souda had accepted his fate.

"Komaeda, stop fucking eating the candles!" Hajime exclaimed in the distance, Komaeda had escaped his arms for a second too long.

* * *

Weeks had passed in the Emo Church. The four men and the Vegan God lived off of Toaster Kazuichi and Toaster Nagito's poptarts. Gundam and Souda had intense training sessions with Gerard. Week one was the Cha Cha Slide, a dance Souda had memorized in middle school. Week two was Gangnam Style, which made the pair cringe. Week three was line dancing.

"Week four: Ballroom dancing."

"You mean... Solo ballroom dancing, right?' Souda shuddered, the thought of touching Gundam for prolonged periods of time made him nervous in a way he'd never felt before.

"No, you and Gundam need to work together for this to happen." Gerard Way sternly stated, "It's the only way to ensure the underwear you obtain from Markiplier stays intact."

Gundam placed his hand on Souda's shoulder, causing the mechanic to jolt his head to face Gundam. The stern look from his friend would previously intimidate him, but this time, something was different.

*click*

"NICE LEGS, DAISY DUKES MAKES A MAN GO WOOHOO!"

The booming noise startled the pair of homosexuals in denial. Gerard Way had turned on his boombox.

"Wh-wh-what the fuck!!?" Souda screamed, "What kinda ballroom music is this!?"

'It's not, but a true ballroom dancer can get their groove on to any kind of music." Gerard Way increased the sound, and Souda's disappointment grew. This hack wasn't even playing his own music, but at least the song reminded him of Miss Sonia.

"Now Souda, you lead first."

Gundam's uproarious laughter overpowered the music.

"Allowing a pathetic mortal afflicted with the bottom's curse to lead a ritual!? You must be a false prophet!"

"H-hey!" Souda grabbed Gundam's scarf and pulled him close, "I am NOT a fucking bottom! I-I'm a switch! In fact I'm such a good switch, Nintendo based their most recent console after me!"

"Well I must be the Playstation 4, because I am always on top!" Gundam's laughter returned, and Souda's tears fell. He half angrily, half playfully pushed Gundam, being met with a playful push back.

And then Souda pushed Gundam off his feet. The animal breeder was unable to regain his footing, and felt his heart stop as he fell backwards.

Two arms were suddenly wrapped around his waist, and Souda's face was in his.

"Damn, you really can top." Gerard way clapped. "I wasn't expecting that."

"Well, duh." Souda rolled his eyes and wiped away his tears with one arm, "I'm only perceived as a hard bottom because I'm viewed as the 'woman' in the relationship due to my: short stature, anxious neuroticism, submission to Sonia, emotional expression, dismissal of all my bad qualities, and long hair. In reality, gay relationships are typically less polar in their nature beyond 'top' and 'bottom', and considering submission to be the one taking the dick is a whole other ballpark, but most content of us is made by women projecting onto me so I really can't blame them for their Gundam domination fantasies. Sometimes, I fantasize about Gundam railing me with his cock, other times he's taking my dick while bouncing on top of me and calling me mean names."

Gerard and Gundam were silent.

"I mean, Miss Sonia!" Souda moaned loudly. "I'll never give up on you, Miss Sonia!"

While Souda was the one leading, Gundam's movements were dominating and powerful. His ass hardened with each step, each twirl. Souda was entranced by his partner's strong disposition and intuitive movements.

The Supreme Overlord of Ice, Gundam Tanaka truly was a power bottom. 

"I think I should know, how, to make love to something innocent without leaving my fingerprints out."

Souda spun Gundam around and the pair locked their eyes together as the dance ended. Gundam put a hex on his heart to try and stop it from beating out of his chest, and Souda prayed that Gundam would just assume the sweat dripping from his hands happened all the time.

"Bravo!" Gerard Way said with a mouth full of poptart crumbs, "I didn't even tell you what you needed to do and it was perfect!"

"R-really!?" Souda blushed and let out a toothy grin. He took his arms off of Gundam and put them behind his head. "Guess being a mechanic isn't my only talent!"

"Tch. Your dancing is quite adequate, mortal." Gundam crossed his arms and smiled at his friend. It really did feel nice being in his arms for once.

Gerard Way downed a glass of milk.

"Alright Gundam, now you-"

"Die!" A voice shouted from the front of the Emo Church. The echo silenced all sound, including the boombox. Tip tapping of chipmunk feet approached the triad of men.

Alvin was here, and ready for revenge.

"Oh... Was I not supposed to let him in? Oops..." Komaeda said between munches on a candle.


	21. Alvin and the American Rejects

"It's only me now, bitches." Alvin laughed uproariously, a clap of thunder booming the second he started. "Any last words?"

Souda suddenly didn't feel so good, and was now on his knees. And not in the sexual way. He keeled over and passed out. The curse was too powerful for a soft hearted man like Souda.

"Alvin..." Gundam held back tears, the thought of starving Neopets made his hatred swell and burn. How dare an animal inflict suffering on other animals.

"I know your favorite song, bitch." The chipmunk laughed, his psychic powers flung open the pipe organ and tapped the first note to Gundam's favorite song.

A chill went through the animal breeder's spine. Alvin was bluffing, right? He wouldn't dare.

The hideous chipmunk opened his even more hideous mouth.

"When all you've got to keep is strong, move along, move along like I know you do."

Blood spurted from Gundam's ears and he winced. His favorite tune, defiled in a matter of seconds. He had to do something quick, or humanity was doomed to an eternity of terrible music. He pulled out the Devas and-

"DON'T. YOU. FUCKING. DARE." A familiar whiny voice echoed off the Emo Church walls, and Gundam's attention turned to his side. The mechanic's limp body stirred, and arose.

"YOU LEAVE ALL AMERICAN REJECTS ALONE, YOU WORTHLESS FUCKING CHIPMUNK!" Souda stood, wrench in hand and dashed towards Alvin. The mechanic had one thing in mind, the thing he always did best.

Taking things apart.

The mechanic swung his wrench at Alvin, narrowly missing him by an inch. A force suddenly swung Souda 50 feet into the air, causing the glass roof to shatter and blood to rain on the cold Emo Church floor. A loud thud echoed as the mechanic's body slammed into a mess of his own arterial fluids.

"Tch." Alvin chuckled, approaching the man with a hideous smile. "Guess your hope is gone, Kazuchi."

"Alvin... You... Bastard..." Tears washed the blood off of Souda's face, "I should've... Never let you cheat off my test..." The mechanic stood once more, cuts and bruises covering his toned frame. His jumpsuit was cut up, revealing his torn underwear.

The sight made Gundam's blood boil, and not just because of the damaged underwear.

"I'LL NEVER LET SOMEONE WHO CAN'T PROPERLY USE A HUMAN TOILET RUIN ALL AMERICAN REJECTS!" Souda ran once again, even angrier than before. His tears seemed like liquid emotion to his friend. Liquid emotion that was combat to his curse.

Alvin smirked and lifted his hand. Knives followed suit. Souda closed his eyes one last time before the knives shot forward towards him.

*TINK*

Toaster Kazuichi had taken the blow last minute. His father's eyes widened as he fell to the ground.

"TOASTER KAZUICHI!" Souda lost all awareness of where he was. "WHY DID YOU... WHY WOULD YOU..."

Toaster Kazuichi popped his last tart.

"I made these for you, dad... I love... you..." 

"I love you too," Souda pulled the toaster close to him, "Son."

Toaster Kazuichi went limp, but Souda didn't. He pulled the poptarts from his son's poptart dispensers and swallowed them in one gulp.

Kazuichi Souda, angered by the death of his son, ascended.

Poptart Ascension Kazuichi Souda was filled with fury.

Gundam hurriedly drew a summoning circle as Choke Chain began to blast from the boombox.

"I GOT THIS SHIT ON LOCK, I GOT THIS SHIT ON LOCK."

* * *

 

Hajime Hinata sat on a toilet in the Emo Church bathroom. He wasn't there to relieve himself, rather, he was there to hold Komaeda's hand through a glory hole while he did so. Komaeda's piss stream sounded oddly like a death metal scream, and Hajime refused to admit he enjoyed listening to it. Komaeda's hand suddenly tightened around Hajime's.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGGGGGGGGGGGH! H-hajime..." A scream echoed off the bathroom walls.

"Yes, Komaeda?" Hajime asked halfheartedly, his eyes on the gamer magazine he was flipping through.

"Something big and hard is sticking out of my dick." Komaeda sniffed and grunted. Hajime let go of his boyfriend's hand and looked over the top of the stall. Komaeda's small penis was corked and swollen. A reserve course hand reached down to pull out the foreign object.

Pieces of the Emo Church roof fell to the bathroom floor, the thumping knocking Hajime and Komaeda to the ground. Komaeda fell penis first, squeezing the object out and rocketing it towards Hajime.

"Hajime, the thing came out!" It was now Komaeda's turn to peep over the bathroom stall, his face full of glee. "I can finally cum again!"

"Cool, Komaeda." Hajime rubbed his head as he got up. Rubble fell once more, shaking the bathroom. The Ultimate Luck lurched back and was met with a cold splash as his head fell into the toilet.

"HBLOUHHUUGGGH!" Komaeda gurgled. Rubble continued to fall.

"What in sam hell is going on?" Hajime exclaimed as he stood up to look around. After further exaimination, it appeared as if the Emo Church would soon become a thing of the past. A chill suddenly went down Hajime's spine, and then his ankle. His entire body was suddenly engulfed in chills.

Hands of fallen neopets were attempting to drag Hajime Hinata to hell. He had a mouth, but he didn't scream. Instead, he said what he had to.

"Komaeda, get ready to cum." 

"Glugh, glugh!" Komaeda popped his head out of the toilet. "Oh boy!" The twink jumped over the stall and into his boyfriend's arms. He was immediately slung over Hajime's shoulder so his ass was in the air in the same direction as Hajime's face. The lucky man's pants and underwear were immediately pulled down and his penis grabbed to point outward in the same direction as his ass.

With a single pump, Komaeda's cum shot out. The thick ropes of white liquid banished the Neopets back to Hell. Hajime sighed in relief, turns out there IS enough salt in human cum.

"Got a choke chain (ch-ch-choke chain!)" The song had entered the restroom.

Komaeda's cum just wouldn't stop, and Hajime used this to his advantage. No vengeful Neopet would be left in this mortal realm. He twirled around, shooting the lucky man's seed in spirals.

All Komaeda could do was laugh, hope really was the best thing since popped tarts.

* * *

Gundam's summoning circle was almost complete, but he was unsure if it would be strong enough to defeat Alvin. Souda's humanity seemed as if it had completely faded from the moment, his swings becoming more and more violent and his pain tolerance appearing to be maxed out. Gundam could only hope that his spells would bring his friend back to reality, but that would have to wait.

"DARK QUEEN OF THE TATTOOED ASS, LEND ME YOUR STRENGTH!" Gundam closed his eyes and pressed his hands together. The circle glowed bright teal, a firgure appearing in the middle. Where Josuke Metallica was expected to be, there was a 28 year old blonde man in a grey suit. In his hand was a cup of noodles and on his face a confused look.

"Huh? I thought I was on break!" Reigen looked around and locked eyes with Gundam, "Hey, you're the guy who crashed the mashed potato orgy!"

"That's the overlord who disbanded the mashed potato orgy to you!" Gundam scoffed, "It appears the Dark Queen has dispatched you instead of Josuke Metallica for reasons unknown."

Souda's body slammed into the wall behind Gundam, his eyes rolled back into his head. Sharp teeth fell from his mouth as he slid down to the ground.

"K-Kazuichi!" Gundam ran to his friend and immediately began to check for a pulse. The mechanic's heart beat to the tune of Choke Chain, the song still playing in the Emo Church. Gundam wiped away a small tear and pulled his friend into his arms.

Chipmunk laughter filled the church, Choke Chain began to speed up. Alvin approached the weakened man and his caring friend, both helpless against the chipmunk at 100%.

"Alvin, please stop." Reigen calmly stated.

Alvin froze.

"What did I tell you about using your powers against others?" The fraud approached his student, and kneeled down to talk to him.

"N-never to do it..."

"And what do you say to the nice men over there?"

Reigen pointed to Gundam and Souda. The latter of which was currently having his wounds treated by the animal breeder.

"S-sorry." Alvin covered his face with his hat.

"Go fuck yourself." Gundam took out an alcohol wipe and disinfected a rather nasty cut on Souda's chest, "We don't forgive you."

Hajime and Komaeda came out of the bathroom with smiles on their faces, but those expressions faded at the sight of their friends.

A cold air filled the Emo Church that day.

 


	22. An Old Flame

The rubble of the Emo Church made for a surprisingly homely scene. A campfire burned under the stars, while Souda dreamed about cars. The three other men, the vegan god, and the surving toaster roasted marshmallows.

Gundam's heart beat with a burning rage. While Alvin had been defeated once and for all and lifted the curse, recent revelations had led Gundam to one conclusion.

The attacks on him and Souda had been orchestrated by Darkiplier to prevent him from obtaining underwear.

"Yup." Gerard Way said in response to Gundam's thoughts, "That's why I was unable to help you. The two of you need to learn to vegan dance together in harmony."

"Kazuichi almost perished." Gundam was no longer craving smores. His stick was promptly thrown into the fire.

"You two went in two different directions, rather than dancing together. What would've happened had you two been on your own?" Gerard Way grabbed Gundam's stick and ate the burnt marshmallow. The animal breeder was silent, he thought of Shlong Daal, in the Dick Cheese Forest. The music was fetid, but the dance moves were top notch. Maybe Gerard was right.

"Hajime, I burnt my marshed mallow." Komaeda pulled out his burning stick and shoved it into the reserve course man's face. "Can you have Izuru come out and make one for me?"

"Fuck off, Komaeda."  Hajime pulled out his own stick. The marshmallow wasn't roasted in the slightest and was a sticky, white, and drippy goop.

"That reminds me of cum, Hajime."

Hajime turned his attention to Komaeda.

"It reminds me of- wait what the fuck!?" The main character pointed behind Komaeda's head, leading the rest of the men to look in the same direction. Except Toaster Nagito, he was popping some more tarts. A twunkish figure loomed above Komaeda, holding a can of fried beans.

"Kazuichi, what nonsense are you foregoing!?" Gundam shouted at the figure, his response was non-existent as he threw the can into the fire. The flame swelled, making the four men jolt back. Toaster Nagito continued to cook poptarts.

Souda's eyes were shut, could be sleepwalking? The thoughts of Gundam festered. He approached his friend for a better look. A thin finger gently opened one of the mechanic's eyes.

He was out cold, alright.

"Wow... The fire's acting pretty odd right now." Komaeda pushed his hand into the burning pile of sticks, removing his hand unscathed.

Gundam looked over at the fire. Wrong move, Tanaka, your hell hound earring has been ripped from you. The fire was once again fed a piece of metal. Flames swelled once more.

"Wake up, mortal!" Gundam shook Souda, "Your actions just cost me $5.99!" The mechanic's eyes flipped open, his white sclera lit up by the growing fire. Gundam sighed and blushed, there was only one way to awaken the mechanic.

Gundam softly let out his best Sonia impression.

"Oh, Kazuichi, your tongue would feel so good inside of me! Please, give it to me as hard and rough as you can!"

Souda's eyes were open in an instant, his semen leaving the metaphorical garage of his boner. Gundam's furious face contrasted with his dreams of Sonia's soft essence. They truly were like Gnomeo and Juliet.

"AH!" Souda screamed, and pushed Gundam away, "WHAT THE HELL!? WERE YOU TRYING TO DANCE WITH ME IN MY SLEEP!? YOU FUCKIN' WEIRDO!" The mechanic wiped away a small tear, the thoughts of Toaster Kazuichi had returned to him.

"Your body was involuntarily piloting itself during a slumber!" Gundam shook his head and crossed his arms, "Those arms of yours began to dispose of our food rations and my hell hound earring!"

"Dude, you can buy another one at Claire's." Souda chuckled and nudged his friend, "Hell, even I can afford one of those things."

"Let's see how you like it, pathetic mortal!"

Gundam inhaled sharply and tore out one of Souda's screws, tossing it promptly into the fire.

"O-OW!" Souda shouted, his attention turning to the fire. "W-wait... WHY THE FUCK IS THE FIRE GROWING?"

The flame was now wider than Hajime's chest, so around a double D-cup. The big breasted fire appeared anthropomorphic to the four men and the toaster, encapsulating them with a strong feeling of warmth. She beckoned. Her flames left no harm on the four men, but the toaster appeared to be backing away. A cold hand grabbed Toaster Nagito's toaster body. It wasn't his. Poptarts shot out of him as he was lifted above the fire, about to be dropped in.

"No! I still have more pop tarts to make!" Toaster Nagito pleaded with his father.

"A despair filled sacrifice..." Komaeda lifted his fingers from the toaster one by one. "A sacrifice for hope..."

"You idiot!" Souda yelled, Gundam's arm blocking him from pouncing onto Komaeda, "We can't lose another toaster, think of Toaster Kazuichi!"

Souda's screams had fallen on the ears of Beethoven, and the toaster had fallen into the center of the fire. The sudden whoosh of flame filled the four men with a warmth never felt before, as if their souls had been bonded by sacrificing Toaster Nagito. Then she was gone, leaving the animal breeder, the mechanic, the lucky man, and the every man with rock hard cocks. Where she was, a 2-hybrid golf club.

"Was Toaster Nagito just reborn?" Hajime approached the aftermath of the fire cautiously, his hands shaking with anticipation. His fingers wrapped firmly around the 2-hybrid and pulled.

Hajime couldn't lift the club.

"This thing weighs like a thousand pounds!"

"Nonsense mortal, allow me to take the reigns!" Gundam had stepped up to the task, the animal breeder was confident in his lifting abilities.

Gundam couldn't lift the club.

The pair looked over at Komaeda, a candle was wedged between his lips. Chomping noises were heard. Needless to say, Komaeda couldn't lift the club.

Souda watched his two closest friends pull on the club, thoughts of his grandmother filled his mind. Was it really right for him to do what he was thinking? His teeth assaulted his nails, his anxiety growing. The mechanic's legs seemed to move on autopilot, and so did his hand reaching for the reincarnation of Toaster Nagito.

Souda could lift the club.

Hajime and Gundam's mouths were agape in shock.

"Y-you, of all mortals! You don't even lift!" Gundam clutched his pearls.


	23. Back on Track, Underwear is Whack

When all was said and done, the four men readied themselves for the rest of the expedition: Souda sewed up the holes in his jumpsuit and underwear, Gundam was gifted a big book of vegan dance moves to practice with Souda from Gerard, Hajime shaved his beard, and Komaeda craved pop tarts. The quartet stood before Gerard Way, saying their goodbyes to him.

"Before you go, I want you to have these."

Two sets of keys were thrown at the ultimates (and Hajime). The sound of metal hitting dirt fell on five pairs of ears, silence following shortly after.

"They're keys." Gerard gestured for his friends to pick up their gifts, "Keys to your emoos." Two cows dressed in My Chemical Romance merchandise came onto the scene, making Hajime laugh so hard he had to sit down. Gundam stood with his mouth agape, he'd never seen such beauty in his whole life.

"Wait a minute!" Souda shouted and backed away from the horror of cows with emotions, "I-I can't ride one of these things! I'll get fucking sick!"

"It's why you have him." Gerard smiled and pointed towards Gundam, the animal breeder already petting the long bangs of an emoo.

Gundam mounted the emoo, turning the key to start its engine. The sound made Souda's heart beat a little faster, maybe he could handle this. Two arms wrapped tightly around Gundam's waist. Souda had made a promise to himself to try and withstand his motion sickness as long as he could. For Gundam's sake.

Hajime sat ontop of his Emoo, with Komaeda on his lap. He wasn't going to protest Komaeda's need for affection, but it was going to make riding the emoo harder. Long black hair brushed against the emoo's back, it was Izuru Kamakura's turn to take the reigns.

The men started their emoos, engines revving powerfully. With a yeehaw they were off, the emoos reaching speeds of 120 miles per hour. Gerard waved as the four men rode away, a smile and a tear painting the vegan god's face.

* * *

"H-hey! Hey!" Souda shouted to Gundam through pained gasps, "G-guh Gundam! The golf club is telling us to go this way..." Souda's right hand lightly pinched at Gundam's jacket, giving him a vague idea of where to go. While Gundam was worried about the enchanted golf club bringing him and his friend to danger, he trusted the emoo would be able to bring them back to safety in no time.

The animal breeder steered the emoo's bangs to the left, the gallops slowing to make the sharp turn. That was when Gundam realized.

Izuru and Komaeda were gone. A chuckle made its way out of the chuunibyou's throat, he'd been wanting to be alone with Souda again. He'd become accustomed to senseless whining, but not to whatever the fuck Komaeda and Hajime were doing.

"S-stop the emoo!" Souda made a noise that would only be possible by a man who's spent several hours of his life jerking off to World of Warcraft hentai. "P-please... I... I'm gonna die..." Gundam slowed down the emoo and parked it by some bushes.

 "Take my hand, pathetic mortal." Gundam dismounted the emoo and helped his friend off the creature. "I must say it's rather amazing that you were able to suppress your curse for such a prolonged period of time." A firm hand rubbed Souda's back while he vomited into a bush. Gundam used his other hand to clench his nose, the smell of partially digested coca cola and pop tarts was not a good one.

"Th-thanks..." Souda wiped his mouth and looked at Gundam with half lidded eyes, "I-I think we can go for a few more miles."

A younger Gundam would've agreed, but a more mature side of him refused.

"We are not absconding from this subsection of the Dick Cheese Mountains until I know you are alright!" 

"I can manage it!" Souda protested and stood as tall as a man who's under 5'8 could, "I just gotta- BLARGH!"

Gundam's shirt was now covered in a pink and yellow sludge. It was settled.

"Pathetic mortal, we are purchasing you pepto bismol at once!" Gundam took out his smart phone and opened up a shopping website. He clicked the option for one day delivery and input Komaeda's credit card information. That mortal truly was the most foolish of them all, believing that he had a Neopets girlfriend who cared about him.

"I don't need any pepto bismol!" Souda shivered inside of Gundam's jacket. "L-let's just go and get your underwear from Markiplier already!"

"Darkiplier will be expecting us." Gundam fidgeted with his scarf, "All we can do is prepare for our inevitable encounter and be in our prime shape for when we engage in combat as warriors."

Souda rolled his eyes and quivered, he really wasn't feeling well but he needed this to be over. He couldn't lose Gundam like he lost Toaster Kazuichi.

"Where the hell even is this?" Souda groaned, resting against an igloo. The emoo mooed. Gundam decided to observe his surroundings: snow covering every inch of the ground, gingerbread houses with red and green admonishments, elves walking freely.

"Oh oh oh, no no no!" A plump bearded figure in red and white approached, golf club in hand, "Welcome to the North Pole golf course! The only place in the multiverse where everyone is a personification of Psy - Gangnam Style!"

* * *

 

Hajime awoke in a daze, a yare yare daze. The emoo given to him and Komaeda by Gerard Way was nowhere to be found. The sky was a bright, unnatural blue and the ground was a sandy red. Komaeda loomed over him, his face making Hajime realize his boyfriend was just as confused as he was.

"Komaeda..." Hajime sat up and looked around. Cacti and horses tainted his vision. In the distance: mountains and a small town. "Where is this?"

"It appears we've delved into the strangest part of the Dick Cheese Mointains, Texas." Komaeda flipped his hair, "I remember this place from when I was a Remnant of Darkiplier."

Hajime brushed off Komaeda's rambling, all that mattered right now was one thing.

"Get your ass going, Komaeda, I could really go for some chicken nuggets." Hajime stood up and began to walk towards the town. It was a long walk, but Hajime knew it'd be worth it.

Like it's surroundings, the town was barren, except for the horses in the back. Every house and saloon was abandoned except for a lone tattoo shop that blasted a song that both Hajime and Komaeda recognized.

"Is that All American Rejects, Hajime?" Komaeda asked for confirmation.

"By joe it is." Hajime approached the tattoo shop, his brow furrowing, "Do you think they have chicken nuggets in here?"

"Of course they do, Hajime." Komaeda kicked open the door using his mind.

The tattoo shop was empty when there was no people in it, but that wasn't the case for this moment in time. A pink haired man lay on a table clenching a pillow, a silver haired goth man pressing a tattoo gun against his firm ass. Their heads turned at the sound of the door, their mid back length hair flipping under their cowboy hats.

"Who goes there!?" Shouted the goth man. He ceased tattooing his accomplice's ass to approach Komaeda and Hajime.

"We're looking for chicken nuggets." Hajime stated clearly for the two men to hear.

"We don't have any, fuck off." The man walked back to his pink haired cohort, his ass waiting for its tattoo to be finished.

"I'm sure you have at least one... right?" Komaeda persisted.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP! GET OUT!"

The sudden yelling caused another figure to appear infront of the man. Silver hair kept in neat braids under a cowboy hat, glasses on her face, and a bamboo sword in hand.

"Do I have to eliminate some bitches, old master?"

It was Peko Pekoyama.

"Woah, Peko!" Hajime backed up, "I thought you were at a swordsman competition or something!"

"Tch." Pekoyama softened up, realizing Hajime and Komaeda weren't threats. "It was an ass tattooing competition. And I won. The judges loved the little birds I tattooed on young master's ass." Pekoyama turned away from her former classmates and to her bosses. "Old master Abbacchio, old master Anasui, these men are no threat to you."

"It doesn't mean they aren't annoying." Abbacchio began to fill his balls with soup, "You got five seconds to explain yourself before you have to answer to Gluten Intolerance Ascension Better Name Abbacchio."

Hajime panicked and looked at the other man. Anasui was now eating toast at the speed of light. He didn't want to deal with Texas Toast Ascension Anasui and Gluten Intolerance Ascension Better Name Abbacchio at the same time.

"Hajime, doesn't the guy eating all that toast look familiar?" Komaeda pointed very rudely over to Anasui. That's when Hajime realized.

"Yeah, he looks like Souda but even more gay." Hajime chuckled.

The soup filling and toast eating stopped.

"Did you just say Souda?" Abbacchio's face twisted in anger.

"Yes?"

"H-how is he?" Anasui visibly quaked hearing Hajime's words.

"Um, he tried beating a chipmunk to death yesterday in a church for singing Move Along by All American Rejects and destroying a toaster that resembled him." Hajime chuckled a bit, what a wild week this was.

"Hajime, have some respect." Komaeda shook his head, "Toaster Kazuichi was his son."

"And our grandson." Abbachio and Anasui held hands, their heads pressing together in embrace.

"I'll just explain it to you now. Abbachio and I met when I was jaywalking in Italy and he arrested me. The way he put those cuffs on me, I knew he was the man I loved. We moved to Florida together, our love hitting its peak when he went to his second job for health insurance. That's when I drank some of his tea. His piss tea. Wrong move Narciso, you're pregnant now."

Abbachio kissed Anasui's forehead.

"We had to give him up for adoption soon after his birth, which I jaywalked to. Us being jaywalking scum made Markiplier deem us unworthy for underwear, so we've been serving under him for our crimes. Tattooing ass at the Texas Anasui."

Hajime and Komaeda looked at each other.

"Um... Souda jaywalks too..." Hajime said softly.


	24. Miss Sonia

In a faraway divorce court, Sonia Nevermind stood as the judge. Two opposing forces fought before her, one a woman scorned, the other a woman scorned. Leabian divorce rates were to rise that day, but only by a mere 0.0000000009% percent.

"You two are just not compatible!" Sonia swung down her gavel. "I sentence you to a level five divorce!"

"We're here to get health insurance you dumb whore!" Shouted one of the opposing forces. It was Elsa from Frozen.

"Oh." Sonia blushed sheepishly and swung down hee gavel once more, "I still believe you should get a divorce, but the tattooed ass orgy is next door!"

After the divorce hearing, Sonia went alone to her room. Everything was painted black, including the windows. Posters of various metal bands plastered her walls and the floor was covered with a rug made to look like a pentagram. Her bed contrasted with the rest of the room, as it was befitting of a stereotypical princess. It was also a different shade of black.

"I'll never be queen!" Sonia slipped in her airpods (they were also black) and turned on Future Breed Machine by Meshuggah. The song soothed her heart, nobody understood her like they did. The beeping noises at the begining of the song excited her for what was to come.

However, they continued far longer into the song than normal. Sonia's brow furrowed and turned off the song. The beeping continued.

She forgot to put her tattooed ass on vibrate. The princess could sense the importance, so she took the call. There was trouble with her man whores, and they needed pepto bismol. Sonia Nevermind bolted out of her room and into the pepto bismol factory that was also in her castle. Her second talent, the ultimate pepto bismol manufacturer.

"Which one of these drones is being shipped to Gundam!?" Sonia shouted to Josuke Metallica, her trusted knave.

He kneeled before her, holding a drone in his hands. Sonia nodded and grabbed the drone by one of its handles. Josuke Metallica grabbed the other handle in understanding.

With a jump, the two were off to the North Pole.


	25. Friend's Birdie-ing and Eagle-ing

"Tch. Utter scum you are, imbuing Kazuichi with sickness and then luring him to your personal mini golf domain to ensure victory." Gundam stood between his companion and the urban legend, "You truly are a holly jolly menace."

"Ho ho ho!" Santa Claus chuckled, "He should've thought about that before throwing Bob to the Sideshow!" Souda whimpered at the mention of the name, but upon feeling the anxiety a deep shame washed through him. A shame that he wasn't strong enough, a shame that he would be this way for ever. A deep, disgusting shame.

"Cre-cretin... Have it your way."

He stood, tears in his eyes, 2-hybrid in hand, snot leaking from his nose. Gundam teared up at the sight of Souda. He looked so broken down, so defeated, so in need of pepto bismol. All because he selfishly wanted a pair of underwear.

"It's what grandma would've wanted." Santa Claus gave Souda a sick, twisted smile that was far from jolly. The pink haired man cried, his tears flowing freely down his face. Gundam couldn't take it anymore.

He took the form of a gazelle, and swung his arms and legs around wildly. Twisting his body to the sound of nothing, bending his arms in ways that only a dolphin could. Gundam Tanaka was attempting to solo vegan dance in silence.

"HO HO HO!" Santa Claus belly laughed uproariously. "How pathetic. Just let me own your friend at mini golf already!"

Another body began to dance next to Gundam, a sickly, in need of pepto bismol body. Kazuichi Souda had joined in on the dance.

"You fools! The pink one's not even a vegan! I saw him eat lamb chops last week!" Santa Claus threw his hands up in the air, posing stiffly like a Danganronpa sprite.

"You don't need to be a vegan to dance like one." Souda smirked and tapped his toes in the snow to match time with Gundam. The two linked hands and began to spin around.

Santa Claus was not pleased.

"Fine then. Have it your way." Santa Claus slapped his knees and yodeled, his ho ho hollering echoing off the mountains. "It's only fair that Old Saint Nick gets a dance partner too."

A pink light flashed the entire north pole, making the whole mini golf course look like tubby custard. The instant it came, the instant it was gone. Something else came instantly, and but never left.

Sideshow Bob was spreading his thick juggalo ass against a north pole, chaos emerald in hand.

"Are you sure you can take both of us? When we're together like this?" Santa Claus began to undress, revealing his Old Saint Dick.

"Tch. As if a mortal like you could keep up with my otherworldly dace routines!" Gundam lifted Souda above his head and tossed him at Santa Claus. The mechanic had only one thing in mind: the dance. Which involved what he did best.

Taking things apart.

Santa Claus felt his left testicle disappear, Souda propelling himself off the holly jolly douche with toothy grin.

It was on.

Sideshow Bob chaos controlled once more, freezing his surroundings as he licked the North Pole. All eyes are on you, Robert. When the control ended, Souda and Gundam had taken -1 points of damage to their emotional states. These boys truly were dealing with veteran vegans, veteregans. Santa Claus flexed his ass muscles faster than the human eye could process, making his old saint bum appear as if it was a wildlife documentary. Souda wailed in agony. His porn searches were fresh in his mind. This was just like the time he tried to find princess hypercock anal.

"Kazuichi, use the strongest component of your spirit to ignore these hooligans!" Gundam shouted, his friend falling out of sync in their lindy hopping. Souda let go for a mere second, but the damage was already done.

5 points to Griffindor.

 Souda and Gundam had a mere 40 HP to spare in their fight against thick juggalo ass and even thicker Santa Claus ass.

"Gundam, I can't fucking do this!" Souda tearfully looked at his dance partner, "Let's just go to Target or something!"

"We have journeyed too far for such a thing!" Gundam shouted as Souda spun him around, "Why do you desire an unsatisfying conclusion!?"

"BECAUSE MY STOMACH FUCKING HURTS GUNDAM! I WANNA GO HOME!" Souda cried out. His voice echoed against the north pole, stimulating Sideshow Bob's sideshow prostate. The juggalo smirked, he had this in the bag.

*DUN DUN. DUN DUN. DUN DUN. DUN DUN DUN DUN. DUN DUN.*

The echoes became loud thumps that rained down from the sky. The two duos looked up, and saw a black object flying above them. Metal vocals vibrated off the snowy landscape.

"INNER PERCEPTION TRAPPED IN A SOUL CAGE! HUMAN WRECKAGE I LEAVE MY LIQUID FACE!"

"Is that Soul Burn by Swedish metal band Meshuggah?" Sideshow Bob stopped rubbing his ass against the north pole to really take in the song. Wrong move, Robert, you left your defenses down. A 2 hybrid golf club slapped his sideshow face.

"WHO AM I SENSE BLURRED WHO'S MY MIND!"

Gundam and Souda looked up at the sky. Up there was their closet dominatrix with another man, but more importantly, pepto bismol.

"Miss Sonia!" Souda's face beamed as pepto bismol fell from the Novaselic drone and into his mouth. Instantly, the mechanic was filled a feeling that he'd never felt before. Confidence. His stance instantly changed and he seized Gundam in a way not even Gerard knew how to do.

"VOID OF EMPTINESS REIGN MY TRUTH BEFORE MY EYES!"

He knew what he was going to do.

"FLASHES OF YOUTH MEMORY NUANCES PASS WHERE'S MY LIFE!"

It was jaywalking time. With Gundam in hand, the mechanic ran across the street without any regard to drivers.

"Wrong move, Kazuichi." A hand was placed on the shoulder of the sweaty virgin, "You're disqualified now."

It was Gluten Intolerance Ascension Better Name Abbacchio.

Old Saint Nick and Sideshow Bob shared a single smirk, oh what a joyous reunion this was.

"Leone, Leone, Leone." Santa Claus chuckled, "Remember the time you and Narciso lost The Vegan Absolute Grandiose Integration New Age Dance In Colorado Kolorado because you decided to use the forbidden move too? Like fathers like son I see."

"Yup, wrong move." Gluten Intolerance Ascension Better Name Abbacchio smiled, a tear streaming down his cheek. Texas Toast Ascension Narciso Anasui slung his arm around his husband's shoulder.

"Unluckily for you, we've found a way to replace our need for underwear." Texas Toast Ascension Anasui bent over in front of the vegan god and his accomplice to reveal the ass tattoos his husband had spent so long perfecting. "C'mon Abbacchio, let's show these posers how a real vegan dances!"

"Josuke Metallica, hit that reset button!" Sonia shouted from the drone to her trusted knave.

Souda and Gundam's jaws hung open as the two fabulous cowboys managed to square dance to metal music in freezing conditions. Their technique was flawless, it was a perfect example of two men in complete sync. Warmth radiated from the pair, it was as if this was no longer the north pole, but a tropical location. Right move Leone, Right move Narciso. Right moves the two of you.

Sideshow Bob cowered in fear, and chaos controlled himself out of the arena as Santa Claus melted before everyone's very eyes.

All that remained was a princess, a virgin, an animal breeder, two vegan champions, an average joe, an emo, and Komaeda.

And one cup.


	26. Tattooed Ass and One Cup

"The third vegan god awaits, the other duo's trials complete. To here you must skate, who goes you must contemplate."

Gundam examined the cup closely, seeing if any clues were left to find the wizard known as Markiplier. Souda and Sonia leaned closely over his shoulder to watch, while the two vegan champions shared their moves with Josuke Metallica and Komaeda. Hajime was passed out in the snow, tired of it all.

"The third vegan god?" Souda scratched his cheek and squinted at the engraving, "Do ya think that's Darkiplier? Man, if we gotta deal with that cretin I'll fucking lose it!"

"No..." Sonia teared up and began to shake, "I unfortunately know exactly who that is..."

Sonia's tear ducts made haste and it was an instant before she began to full on sob. Gundam was pulled into a tight hug by arms strong enough to femdom him.

"Shhhh... It's okay, Dark Queen. You are with your man whores now." Gundam returned the hug, much to Souda's disdain. On one hand, he was happy that Sonia was getting the comfort she needed, but on the other, he wished he was the one being held by Gundam like that.

I mean Sonia, he thought, yeah, Sonia.

"The third vegan god is..." Sonia sniffled, Gundam continuing to run his fingers through her hair "He is... H-he is Anthony Fantano of the Needledrop."

"Who the fuck is that?" Souda shouted, "Sonia-"

"It is not that he messed with me, it is that he gave Meshuggah's The Violent Sleep of Reason a..." Sonia broke into more sobs, "He gave The Violent Sleep of Reason a Not Good!"

"What a monster..." Souda said halfheartedly while secretly agreeing. Meshuggah has no flow, he thought, it's too loud and scary.

"That's exactly why he lost his vegan god status." The threesome turned their heads to the sexy silver haired cowboy, Abbacchio, "Mr. And Mrs. Nevermind filed a complaint and got him fired. He's back to Youtube now."

"Then, who is the third vegan god?" Sonia's tears stopped flowing.

"Markiplier, I thought this was glaringly fucking obvious." Abbacchio facepalmed, Anasui coming over to pat his back.

"The wizard known as Markiplier... Is a god ruler of veganism!?" Gundam shouted in awe.

"Yes, dumbass." Abbacchio rolled his eyes, "He and Jacksepticeye fought for the throne at the last V.A.G.I.N.A.D.I.C.K and he came out on top. Where the throne is, nobody knows. You should just give up on wearing underwear and tattoo your ass instead."

Gundam's enthusiasm faltered. Was this all in vain? Complimenting Souda's balls, crawling up the hill with Souda on his back, attending the mashed potato orgy with Souda, running away from Komaeda with Souda, rubbing dicks with Souda, bathing with Souda, fighting Alvin and the Chipmunks with Shlong Dahl, beating Santa Claus's ass with Josuke Metallica, learning how to vegan dance with Gerard Way, riding an emoo to the north pole with Souda.

It couldn't be.

"There's gotta be a way!" Souda shouted, "Fucking hell! Do you really think we're gonna give up!? After all we've been through!"

Abbacchio sighed deeply

"Look w-"

"NO! It's just like the song! Move along! Move along!" Souda began to sob, "Move along just to make it through!"

Tears came out of Abbacchio's eyes, they weren't his. If only his son knew. Souda's other father held the silver haired man close.

"There is one thing you can do."

Josuke Metallica stood in the center of the argument, his hands balled into fists.

"You can attend V.A.G.I.N.A.D.I.C.K, Markiplier is the judge this year." 

"No, he can't!" Abbacchio grabbed Josuke Metallica by the bondage collar, "Souda isn't a vegan!"

"You don't gotta be a vegan to dance like one."

"SILENCE!" Sonia commanded, everyone shutting up immediately. Komaeda ceased his attempts at shoveling snow into his mouth to listen to the princess. "How do we plan on attending the vegan dance competition!? It is in two hours!"

*step*

Our seven protagonists turned their heads to the light tapping on the ground. A light skinned, red haired figure was approaching. A figure in its birthday suit. Komaeda smiled, his phone call went through.

Gundam covered his mouth with his scarf, Souda's jaw dropped, Sonia blushed and Hajime sweat. Josuke Metallica, Anasui, and Abbacchio had expected this.

"Leave it to me, boys." Lois Griffin smiled, more than ready to put her dick sucking skills to work. "If you stuff all your peckers in my mouth at once, we can cross the river to the V.A.G.I.N.A.D.I.C.K in a jiffy!"

"Yeah, we're out of this one." Abbacchio grabbed Anasui's hand. "Bye."

Deep down, Anasui and Abbacchio wanted to attend the competition to support their son, but if they ever set foot at the V.A.G.I.N.A.D.I.C.K again, things would not be pretty. It'd also be really nasty to put their dicks in the proximity of the man who was secretly their son. They're a lot of things, but incestuous is not one of them.

"Up yours, texans!" Anasui saluted as he and his partner rode on an Emoo into the distance.

Only Gundam, Souda, Josuke Metallica, Sonia, Hajime and Komaeda remained before Lois Griffin. Her smirk complimenting her naked body. She was never more ready for six dicks in her mouth.

"Waaait..." Souda looked over at his royal friend, "Sonia doesn't have a cock! At least I don't think."

"I do not have an organic penis, but I have this!" Sonia lifted her skirt to reveal a 9 inch studded strap-on dildo.

Gundam and Souda's dicks hardened in unison.

"Well, what are you waiting for!" Lois Griffin got on her knees and opened her mouth as wide as it can. A micropenis rested on the corner of Lois's mouth. Komaeda's little Nagito. Five more dicks entered Lois's mouth. Gundam's large breeding rod formed a gap between Souda's small pecker and Sonia's strap.

"Mmmmmfhhh!" Lois began to suck, and reality seemed to bend at the seams. The faster she went, the more warped reality became. Colors blended together, the sky was below and the ground above. They all knew, however, this was still the Dick Cheese Mountains. Time was no factor, neither was space. The six were one spiritual being, connected by Lois Griffin.

*pop*

Suddenly they had reached the peak, a dance studio at the top of the tallest mountain. Music blasted off the walls, and a light pizza smell filled the air.

"Here we are, this is V.A.G.I.N.A.D.I.C.K!"


	27. Vegan Dancing, Diet Soda

"Welcome to The Vegan Absolute Grandiose Integration New Age Dance In Colorado Kolorado! If yous a spectator, wait in this line. If yous a competitor, also wait in this line. But dance the whole way." The bouncer, Mikey Way, was not fucking around.

"Well... I don't think I've got it in me to dance..." Komaeda stared at his hand, yup, his leftover cum was still there.

"Yes, I unfortunately agree." Sonia sighed and locked eyes with Gundam, "However, I will support my manwhores however I can!"

"We'll cheer the loudest for you!" Hajime nodded. Unbeknownst to Souda and Gundam, he was going to nap the whole time.

The five former despair friends formed a group hug, Josuke Metallica looking on and smiling. To conserve their energy, the animal breeder and mechanic merely flossed through the line. Right move, you two. The line lasted for four hours.

Gundam and Souda had been separated from their friends and placed in waiting room with yet another line.

"V.A.G.I.N.A.D.I.C.K. sign-ups over here!" A voice shouted from the other end of the line, "V.A.G.I.N.A.D.I.C.K. sign ups over here!" The two waited patiently, but not without a few moments of bitching from Souda. In spite of his complaints, the line moved pretty fast.

The man managing the table had pale blue skin and a bald head. His brow seemed to furrow endlessly over an engorged nose. A bored gaze pierced into Gundam and Souda as they made their way to the front of the line.

"Are you two returning dancers or newbies?" A yawn came from Squidward's mouth.

"We're new to this." Souda stated, "This weirdo and I only learned to dance so we could get underwear from Markiplier." 

Squidward's bored face melted away and became angry.

"You think vegan dancing is a fucking joke!?"

Both virgins lurched back at the sound of an anthropomorphic squid yelling at them.

"Is... THIS funny too!?"

Squidward slammed his ass on top of the table, a tattoo of Spongebob's laughing face burned and image into the mechanic's, and animal breeder's minds. Souda held back laughter, and thought about his bullies to make himself too sad to laugh. Gundam laughed uproariously, but pointed at Souda to mask what truly tickled him.

"I thought so." Squidward smirked, his tentacle moving to grab a sign up sheet. "Sign here, here, and here."

And so the two men signed their way into the Vegan Dance competition, all they could do was wait their turn.


	28. Get Down in the Present, Move Past Sickness

The beeping of his heart monitor kept him conscious enough to hear, but not enough to be awake. Kazuichi Souda lay in a hospital bed, the cold air piercing through his blanket. Just nineteen, the sucker dreamed of a healthy life.

The doctor's words pulled the incapacitated mechanic out of his dreamlike state:

"Ma'am, I'm afraid your son has come down with a nasty case of Xbox Live."

* * *

"What's wrong, Narciso?" Abbacchio lifted the tattoo gun from his husband's ass. The pink haired man sighed deeply, turning his head to face away from Abbacchio.

"I wish we could've been there for our son." Anasui pulled a plate of texas toast to his face. The warm bread was not enough to fill his heart. "He's had to wear Markiplier's special underwear for who knows how long. All because I contracted a PBTD."

"Pepto Bismol Transmitted Diseases are a myth, Narciso." Abbacchio stirred his soup, "Markiplier only wants money, and you know it."

Anasui ceased his texas toast mukbang, shit was getting real.

"You know what the biggest symptom of Xbox Live is?"

"Being a paranoid fuck all the time?"

"An uncontrollable urge to jaywalk."

* * *

The VAGINADICK waiting room was seperated by a four way intersection, allowing the micro cars to pass through. The red lights seem to shine forever, Souda thought, if only I could just-

A hand suddenly combed Souda's hair.

"Kazuichi, it seems even the supreme overlord of ice makes lapses in his judgement." Gundam gently twisted the pink hair between his fingers. "Maybe you are not a pathetic mortal, but something more."

Souda blushed, his heart speeding up to the tempo of Move Along by All American Rejects. Gundam's hand moved from hair to cheek, and both began to lean in. Neither could believe this was happening.

*beep*

The pair of men turned to look at a light turned green.

"Uh." Souda coughed, "A-after you." He gestured for Gundam to go before him, his face a bashful pink.

The two men legally crossed the street, hearing cheers from the micro cars about jaywalking scum ruining their day. Shame passed through Souda's body, and so did the Pepto Bismol. His urge to run across the street without the light turning was stronger than ever. How he yearned to jaywalk.

"Hold up now!" Two arms extended against the stage entrance. The two arms where held in two hands attached to two other arms. "Before you dance off with Markiplier, I'll need one more confirmation!"

It was Robert E.O Speedwagon.

"Ugh! Just get it over with!" Souda rolled his eyes and whined.

"Have you completed the trials of the other two vegan gods?" Speedwagon wagoned.

"I watched my toaster son die and saw Sideshow Bob pole dance, is that fucking enough!?" Souda yelled, his eyes darting to the crosswalk to the left of him.

Speedwagon sighed. The stage entrance no longer blocked by anything but our heros' own fears.

"Right this way, you sexy pair of homosexuals."

 


	29. When Darkness Turns to Light

"Top of the morning to ya laddies! My name is Jacksepti-"

"Hey, Shawn." Lois Griffin walked past the border, bare naked not giving a fuck.

"Hey Lois!" Jacksepticeye ignored the nude woman walking past him, "Tell Peter I said hi!"

She strided past, confidence high.

Lois bust open the log cabin doors. Wood slammed against wood and overpowered the noisy chit chat taking place inside. Fury and power began to overflow.

"Hey Lois, why are you late to the Mashed Potato Orgy!?" Peter exclaimed in fury, Rohan, Reigen, Sans, Teruteru, and King Harkinan were all finished with their dinner.

"I sent Alvin to daycare for this!?" Reigen shouted, his eyes rolling.

"Sorry Petah, an old friend needed me." Lois licked her lips, for her dick sucking skills only worked when there was dick to be sucked.

Alvin scurried around while a lone elf played the harmonica alone in the remains of a church. His Most Trusted Elf, an exile from the North Pole. Peaceful serenade echoed off the shallow graves of Toaster Nagito and Toaster Kazuichi.

As he ceased his meloncholy tune, thousands of emo cows kept him company. Two cowboys whipped their emoos to move along, it was just another day they needed to be at work.

Pins and needles in the glutes, silver hair tied back into a bun, a hand squeezing a stress ball. Peko Pekoyama was tattooing ass at the Texas Anasui. Her swordswomanship proved to be a useful skill in life after the Kuzuryu clan divorced her.

Flowers bloomed in Pekoyama's vision. A small man with a shaved head had entered the tattoo shop, floral arrangement in hand.

"H-hey, Peko." Fuyuhiko Kuzuryu blushed tremendously, his face as pink as the pepto bismol that help Souda deal with his nasty case of xbox live.

"Hey, Young Master." Pekoyama ceased tattooing ass to focus on her comarade. Or is it spelled comerade? I got two hours of sleep. "Are you planning on getting those tattooed on your buttocks?"

"Hell n-no... They're..." Fuyuhiko shoved the flowers closer to Pekoyama, "They're for you."

Pekoyama smiled, and took the flowers in hand.

"Is that the rare Pepto Bismol Flower?" The man getting his ass tattooed, Mung Daal, asked. "Ooooh it's been years since I had my hands on one of these things." 

"Ra-da!" Schnitzel piped in, his left nut was the stress ball. "Rada rada rada."

"Man, makes me wonder if that repressed homosexual ever found his pink friend."

A newspaper lay untouched on the texas toast table:

"Gundam Tanaka Butthole Reveal.

You've heard it here first folks, Gundam Tanaka: Ultimate Breeder wears no undies. At the dog show last week, a rotweilieiei... a rotwhyler.. You know what I'm going to pretend it was a breed of dog with a more memorable name. A shiba inu bit Gundam's pant leg and tore off his pantalones, revealing his little Gundams."

* * *

 

Gundam and Souda walked to the center of the stage, the cheers of all their friends in their hearts because they don't care about underwear enough to show up to the Vegan Dance Competition. Across from them, an empty red throne.

"Heeeelllooooo everybody, my name is Markiplier."

A celestial body lowered from the sky and into the throne. The man, the myth, the legend.

The Wizard Known as Markiplier. 

Souda trembled, and Gundam did too, but in a less wimpy way.

"What business have you with the Vegan God of Courage!?" Markiplier shouted above the fanfare.

"Tch."

Gundam smirked.

"ME AND MY GLORIOUS BREEDING PARTNER ARE GOING TO COMMENCE, AS A MORTAL WOULD SAY, DANCING YOUR PANTS OFF IN A DUEL! ONLY THEN WILL I, GUNDAM FEMDOM TANAKA, SUPREME OVERLORD OF ICE, BE ELIGIBLE TO WEAR CLOAK BRAND UNDERWEAR!"

Josuke Metallica smiled, Sonia cried tears of Joy, Komaeda came, and Hajime left to go grab popcorn.

Souda's fear evaporated from his body, Gundam had his back.

"AND I'M GOING TO PROVE, ONCE AND FOR ALL, THAT BEING ALLERGIC TO MOST FABRICS DOESN'T MAKE ME A BOTTOM!"

The fanfare ceased, and Markiplier's eyes widened.

"Wait a minute..." The Vegan God squinted at Souda, noticing his pink hair, "You have a case of-"

"XBOX LIVE!" Sideshow Bob chaos controlled into the arena, his eyes pink with pepto bismol. The Vegan God of Power had made his appearence.

"Sideshow Bob, how could you!" Markiplier was enraged, and turned his attention away from the heros. "After Wilford Warfstache and I made cloak to help Xbox Live victims!"

"Wilford Warfstache, Wilford Dorkstache!" Sideshow Bob shook his head and spit at his God, the devil. "We all know you care diddly squat about the victims! You just want to make money off of a scam! Jaywalking should have never been illegal and gets me to Fake Chuck E. Cheese ten times as fast!"

The tension was so thick, you could reuse a pizza.

"But I would never do such a thing, Robert! Jaywalking is a crime that should be stopped at all costs!" Markiplier pleaded, "Please, just allow Gundam Femdom Tanaka and Anasui Jr. do the trial for their pair of underwear!"

"I know you wouldn't, but Darkiplier would." Sideshow Bob lifted the Chaos Coochie Emerald. "CHAOS CONTROL!!!!"

The arena was flooded with despair. Screaming replaced fanfare, all color was washed away by red, black and white. Gundam and Souda held each other as Markiplier vanished, and in his place

The Warlock Known As Darkiplier Appeared.

"Robert, what is the meaning of this?" Gerard Way, the Vegan God of Wisdom climbed onstage, his face full of concern. "How could you go back to being jaywalking scum when we paid for your treatment!? Is it because of Pearl? Is that it, Robert?"

Gerard Way and Sideshow Bob stared at each other intensely. The air so thick that the clap of it's ass cheeks could alert the gaurds.

"Chaos. Coochie. Control." Sideshow Bob shed a tear and looked away. A beam erupted from the precious gem and washed Gerard with a pink light.

"GERARD WAY, NOOOOO!" Gundam shouted, his hand almost ending up engulfed by the light.

He was now Black Parade Ascension Gerard Way.

The Coochie Triforce was now complete.

"Gundam, we gotta get outta here! Or w-we're gonna die!" Souda grabbed Gundam's hand, and they ran to the stage entrance, fleeing as if they were wild pants. It wasn't long before the duo were met with a loud thunk against their chests and a softer thunk of their ass to the ground.

"Bottom of the night from me, ladies!" Antisepticeye, the Vegan Deity of Nothingness stood between the virgins and the escape route.

 "The Triforce is a triad!" Gundam protested, "Why is he joining the ensemble!!?"

Sideshow Bob chuckled, the posessed audience giggled along with him

"Cuz he's the triangle in the middle, idiot virgin." The failed clown whistled for his mind controlled deities to get in formation. "I hope you went to a dance rehersal, because shits about to get froggy."

Sideshow Bob spread out his arms, and then clapped his hands. The Vegan Gods synchronize clapped for three French seconds before dropping their asses down in a circle. Souda and Gundam could only watch in horror as the Vegan Gods bust a move in unison.

"Hey, Gundam..." Tears streamed down the mechanic's chin, snot leaking from his nose.

"Yes, Kazuichi?" The animal breeder trembled like a trapped mouse.

"Before we lose this Vegan Dance competition, I want to know..." Souda wiped his fluids away with his arm. "Do you... Want to be my boyfriend?"

"Of course, Kazuichi."

The two embraced each other, sharing a kiss infront of a twerking Sideshow Bob and clapping vegan gods. Shrieks of applause rained down on Robert, reliving his jaywalking days with his old friends. The Vegan God of Power had won the battle.

A large puff of smoke filled the arena, obscuring the view of anyone caught in it. Sideshow Bob called off the dance, thinking he had pwned some noobs so hard they evaporated.

"Wrong move Robert." A yellow platform boot with several belts stuck out of the smoke. A long yellow scarf fluttered from the inside of a black jumpsuit. Streaked pink and black hair flowed from under a purple beanie. "You're a mortal in God's clothing."

The smoke had completely faded by now, revealing a face with shark teeth and a scar over the left eye.

"Kazudam Gunichi Sounaka Tada is gonna dance your pants off, mortal."


	30. It Ends Tonight

Sideshow Bob was taken aback by the eleven foot tall man that stood before him, his colors clashing in a way to show he meant danger. Fast and danger. Kazudam Gunichi Sounaka Tada had felt his underwear merge with his pants. No turning back now.

All undies, or no undies.

The Juggalo was paralyzed by shock, he'd never seen such a display. Especially not at VAGINADICK. The stage itself stagnant, five dancers waiting for the other's moves, the arena evacuated completely sans the hopeful friends of our heros.

"Hey, Hajime." Komaeda tapped his tired friend's shoulder, "Do you think their dicks combined in size too?"

"Yeah." Hajime yawned and kicked back. "It's probably like fourteen inches long or something."

"That's a big weewee..."

"Big weewee indeed."

Sonia held her hand over her mouth, did this mean both her man whores now had Xbox Live? Would Gundam live his entire life with insatiable jaywalking urges? She couldn't bear the thought, and it was all because Novaselic spiked the Pepto Bismol.

A hand touched Sonia's back, it wasn't hers.

"Hey, they'll be okay." Josuke Metallica smiled at the princess. "Gerard Way taught them how to dance, after all."

Sonia continued to look down, and what a sight it was.

"F-fools!" Sideshow Bob shouted, his eye twitching, "You think a cheap tactic like fusion can defeat the Triforce of Vegan Gods? And Sean?"

"I am waitin' for you to commence your dance, Pathetic Robert."

It was on.

Sideshow Bob flushed with rage, and spread his ass cheeks on a pole.

"I NEED THREE LITTLE PIGGIES, TO MAKE A PIGGY PIE!" The speakers blared Antispecticeye and Darkiplier yodelled, manifesting an oven between them. Black Parade Ascension Gerard Way held a uncooked pie in his hand, and stuffed it in the oven.

"THERE'S NOTHIN' LIKE A SQUEAL WHEN YOU HEAR A PIGGY DIE!"

Sideshow Bob clapped his ass so hard the pie began to bake, each clap adding ten degrees. Even Hajime was impressed. Black Parade Ascension Gerard Way took out the now fully cooked pie, and presented it to his master.

"I MIGHT CHOOSE A GUN, I MIGHT CHOOSE AN AXE!"

From the pie came a machine gun that shoots axes, now in Bob's sideshow hands. His evil smile thickening as the song faded out.

"The carnival's in town, come and get your piggy snacks!" Sideshow Bob maniacally laughed, his victory in the fridge. "Try doing that as a numero uno."

Josuke Metallica's jaw dropped, he'd never seen such skilled dancing in his life. Sonia cried, it was over.

Kazudam Gunichi Sounaka Tada stared blankly, content with himself. He knew exactly what to do, and how to do it. But one question disturbed the combined mind of Kazudam.

What song to play for their dance. Move Along, or any song by All American Rejects was too predictable, it had to be this one.

"I'm Ill Mitch, now listen me recording."

Kazudam swayed back and forth, barely moving.

"When I'm on street you know I'm speed boarding."

A glow came from the heavens, a piece of wood with wheels. A skateboard with Kazudam Gunichi Sounaka Tada written all over it. Literally.

The machine breeder jumped ontop of the board, executing a flawless backflip across the street. Not jaywalking, no, it was jayboarding. The walks screeched as Kazudam skated across the arena, blowing a kiss to Miss Sonia as he passed.

The princess was both turned on and disgusted, but this was not abnormal for the Novaselic woman.

"Look at my helmet, wear my vest for speed. When I use microphone I'm the best you need! I have two side, one happy one anger."

Kazudam legally crossed the street on his speed board, with the sign saying he could and everything.

"You can ask a stranger my board is fast and danger!"

*PEW*

Axes flew towards Kazudam at mach speed, but that wasn't stopping the fast or the danger. He skidded to a halt, his dance single handedly snapping Gerard Way and Jackspeticeye out of their trance.

"R-Robert!" Gerard Way ripped the gun from Sideshow Bob's hands. "Cease this nonsense this instant! There's treatments for Xbox Live that don't involve depriving men in their twenties of underwear!"

The palm tree haired man sneered, and smacked Gerard Way with the back of his hand. The middle aged emo's eyes widening.

"YOU NEVER CARED FOR ME IN THE FIRST PLACE, OH VEGAN GOD OF "WISDOM"!" Robert teared up, his mind control focused entirely on Darkiplier. "Finish the job, Mark."

Kazudam watched as Darkiplier pulled it out: The underwear half of him searched for this whole time. They were pink boxers with yellow lace trimmings, printed words on the front.

"BEST FRIENDS FOREVER"

Souda's smiling face next to Gundam's.

Darkiplier pulled both ends, tearing the top of the undergarments.

Kazudam coughed up blood, and didn't feel so good. In a puff of smoke, Souda and Gundam fell to the ground. Darkiplier tore further.

"N-NO!" Souda screamed and ran towards Darkiplier. An invisible barrier seperated the virgin from the Vegan God of Courage. "NOT AFTER WHAT WE'VE BEEN THROUGH! FUCK! NOT LIKE THIS! NOT LIKE THIS. PLEASE NOT... LIKE THIS!"

Sideshow Bob felt the gaze of Gerard Way pierce into him, but it had to be done.

"Kazuichi." Gundam coughed up blood. "It's okay. I don't need it, I'll just get my buttocks tattooed."

The tear was now almost an inch long. Souda knew it was in vain, and that's why he had to do this. 

"Here, Gundam. Take these."

Blue, yellow and pink underwear were placed infront of the sickly animal breeder. Tears flowed down the bare chest of Kazuichi Souda.

"But-"

"Just. Put them on, Gundam."

"Ka-"

"I can't let this... I ca-can't... I... I tried... I t-r.. I'm so... I'm so... Sorry..."

Souda fell to the ground, naked and afraid. He shook violently, his tears dripping onto his boxer briefs. Gundam placed a hand against his boyfriends cheek, and then one on the underwear.

"Shhhh... I'm just glad I get to be with a magnificent creature such as yourself."

"I-I... I... I love you, Gundam."

"I love you too, pathetic mortal."

Gundam pulled Souda close, and then his underwear on. They were tight on him, but something just felt right. It wasn't until the animal breeder pulled away, that he saw it.

"K-Kazuichi!" Gundam's face beamed, "Look below the belt!"

"Christ almighty, I know I'm hard, okay?" Souda's face pinkened.

"No, you stupid mortal!" Gundam physically moved Souda's head to peer at his own crotch area.

"BEST FRIENDS FOREVER" Read the pink undies on Kazuichi Souda's body. Sharp teeth shone from between Souda's lips, lips that would meet Gundam's soon after.

After pulling away, a circle of friends surrounded them.

"They were for your friend... boy. Boyfriend?  But two layers of underwear isn't a good idea." Markiplier had broken free from Sideshow Bob's influence, and the Vegan God of Power was nowhere to be seen. "Congratulations, you won VAGINADICK. Your display of pure love saved not only my life, but your underwear too."

Sonia, Josuke Metallica, Hajime, Komaeda, Gerard Way, Jackspeticeye, and Markiplier all clapped for the two new VAGINADICK champions. Hermes? She also clapped.

Souda and Gundam stared in awe at the boxers that were made to commemorate their journey, a tale that would be exciting to remember for years to come.

It felt so good for Gundam Tanaka especially, he finally knew what it was like to put on a pair of underwear.


	31. Epilogue: The True End

"Are you sure we can take this?" Fake Lady Gaga held a black box in her hand. Inside was a 2006 gaming console. It was cold, frozen solid, Abbacchio almost wanted to let it go, but that was the spirit's influence.

"Yes." Abbacchio looked away, the black sheen of the box holding his Playstation 3 reflected onto his sad eyes. This was the only way he could protect his husband, son, and son in law from the danger held inside of it. "The Texas Anasui could never hope to contain the violent power that throbs inside."

Fake Lady Gaga smiled, and waved her hands for her assisstants to take away the parcel. Two women, both clad in long pink dresses, their hair long and blond, flowing in a wind that did not exist, carried the Playstation 3 to Fake Lady Gaga's throne room. The place where it would remain for eternity.

"You are a noble man, Leone." Fake Lady Gaga pulled out the payment, a coupon for Bigger Six Flags, a place only for those who are tall. Abbacchio accepted, and bowed down to the leader of the Femdom Colony of Lesbians. "Not many men would give up their Ps3's like this."

"Thank you, but it was the least I could do. My husband has Xbox Live." Abbacchio stood once again, and turned around, "I need to go back to Texas, so I will see you next time you call for me."

"May you be blessed with tattooed ass, Leone."

Platform boots clacked as they exited the Femdom Colony of Lesbians's hallway, and into the great outdoors. Abbacchio's heart no longer felt heavy, he was free.

Wrong move, Leone. Somewhere, tucked away in a box, your Playstation 3 still echoes. Quiet echoes sure, but what it says is clear:

"Die, Bart, die."

The end?


End file.
